


The Bond Between Them

by IvanW



Series: The Bond Between Series [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Accidental Bonding, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sexual Content, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-23 22:46:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 32,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/931970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a shuttle craft accident, a bond forms between Kirk and Spock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first Fan Fic

 

"May I ask a query?" 

I froze, my fingers gripping the chess piece I had been about to move. For some reason my gut twisted. I forced a smile. "Sure, Spock. Anything." 

His dark eyes were intense, their stare focused on me. I did not squirm but my heart rate increased several beats. Since we had decided to work toward friendship we had been playing chess nightly. Generally our conversations kept to ship business. 

"Have you had any effects since...since the situation with Khan, Captain?" 

Only Spock would call my dying and being resurrected a "situation". If the whole subject matter hadn't freaked me out a bit, I might have laughed. I didn't want to talk about it, actually. Some things were best forgotten. Or pushed aside.  

But I thought for a minute, trying to choose my words carefully. "I don't think so." 

It was maybe a lie. Maybe. There'd been feelings, dreams, sort of. Not exactly normal dreams. But like I said I didn't want to think about them let alone talk about them. 

"Captain, if there has been anything--" 

I did smile then. "You sound like Bones, Spock. I'm fine." 

"If you do not wish to speak about it, I can do a mind meld," Spock offered, his expression very serious. 

"Spock," I spoke sharply now, even I could hear the edge to my voice. "I'm fine. Drop it." 

"Yes, captain." 

The silence that followed was tense and uncomfortable. I shifted in my chair. 

"Spock." 

"Captain?" 

"I'm sorry." 

Spock, who had been studying the chessboard, glanced up at me, an eyebrow raised. "What are you apologizing for, captain?" 

"Just, you know." I waved my hand. "I didn't mean to snap at you." 

"Your regrets are not necessary. I was not offended." 

I nodded. "M'kay. Regardless, I appreciate your concern." 

"It is my duty as your first officer to ensure your safety and well-being." 

Smiling a little, I said, "Right. I had forgotten." 

Spock moved his chess piece. "I have calculated that I will have you checkmated in three moves." 

"Is that right?" I barely glanced at the board before I picked up one of my pieces and moved it.  

His eyebrow rose even further up into his bangs. "Captain, I am perplexed by your move." 

I laughed. "Yes, I know. That's why I did it. To throw you." 

"To throw me?" 

"Yep. Very illogical of me, wouldn't you say?" 

"Indeed." He frowned almost imperceptibly and moved his piece. 

After several more moves between us conducted in more companionable silence than had been before, I flashed him a grin and made my next move. "Checkmate, Mr. Spock." 

 His brows furrowed clearly trying to figure out how I had beaten him. Which I did, sometimes. To--I suspected--his irritation. 

"Your method of play is highly illogical, captain, but I cannot deny it is effective." 

I rubbed my eyes and yawned, suddenly exhausted. 

Spock began to clear the chessboard. 

"Wait, we're not going to play another game?" 

"You are clearly fatigued, captain. I believe it is best to allow you to rest at this time."  

Sighing, I couldn't help but nod. "I am a little tired. I think I get tired easier...faster...whatever...since, well, since." 

Spock straightened and tugged down his blue uniform shirt. "I have other matters to attend to as well." 

"Of course you do." I offered him a smile. "Sorry if I kept you." 

His head tilted to the side. "You did not. Goodnight, captain." 

"Night, Spock."

 

After he left, I briefly considered taking a shower, but decided it was too much effort and it would only revive me. I had to be on the bridge in only five hours and I desperately needed sleep even though it meant dreaming. I fell onto my bed without getting undressed, too tired to fight it anymore, and let sleep overcome me. 

_I was floating on clouds, drifting aimlessly. I felt peaceful and smiled. Until I noticed I was headed straight for a purple flashing ominous cloud. The cloud seemed to be spitting out vaporous gas and as I drew closer to it I felt a crushing weight pushing me down, holding me. I gasped for breath as I realized I would soon become part of the purple gaseous cloud. It filled me with dread._

I woke up gasping for air, my lungs constricted so tight my chest ached. I tried the method Bones had taught me to get my breathing under control and after a few moments, I felt as though I could function again. 

The dream had been the worst one yet. There’d be no going back to sleep now, so I showered and dressed in my uniform. I got a quick cup of coffee from the replicator and after drinking it, I decided to head up to the bridge early. 

“Captain on the bridge,” Chekhov announced as soon as I stepped out of the turbo lift. 

All eyes turned to me as I made my way to the captain’s chair. “Status report.” 

“We’ll reach Gratis IV in six hours, captain,” Sulu advised. “At warp three.” 

I nodded and felt the stare of someone from behind me. I turned slightly in my chair and offered a vague smile. “Mr. Spock.” 

“Captain, you are not due to be on duty for another two point five hours.” 

Shrugging, I said, “Couldn’t sleep.” 

He studied me, his dark eyes intent as they assessed me. “You do not look well. You have not been sleeping sufficiently.” 

“Yeah, well.” 

“Dr. McCoy—” 

But I wouldn’t let him finish. “Don’t even go there, Spock. I don’t need to see Bones. I’m fine. Just a little insomnia.” 

“As you wish, captain.” 

Spock moved off but he did not return immediately to his own station, but instead went over to speak in low tones to Lieutenant Uhura. My throat tightened for a moment and I quickly looked away. Feelings of jealousy or envy would do me no good. It was what it was no matter my wanting it otherwise. 

By the time we were orbiting Gratis IV I knew something was not quite right with me. I was exceedingly tired and my limbs felt weak and wobbly. I somehow managed to make my way to the turbolift and to the transporter room. Spock came with me but he did not speak. Just watched me, his usual blank expression firmly in place. I knew it was coming though. 

“Captain, I would like to protest your leading this landing party to Gratis IV—” 

“Okay.” 

“As your first officer your safety is my top priority and it is not necessary for you to—” 

“Okay, Spock.” And it was. I had no desire to go down on Gratis IV. I didn’t know why, but I was so exhausted and weak I wasn’t even sure how I was still standing. 

“--Continually place yourself in danger which is detrimental to the ship and its crew. This is not a diplomatic mission therefore your presence is not required.” 

“Spock, I said okay.” 

He blinked and then stared at me with one raised eyebrow. I would never admit it but I found that expression damn sexy. 

“You will allow me to lead the landing party?” he asked carefully. 

I nodded. “Yes. Go ahead. All yours.” 

“Very well.” He made his way to the transporter pad along with the rest of the party beaming down. 

I sort of smiled, though it felt like a grimace, because I knew his eyes were still on me, analyzing my no doubt illogical behavior. I wanted to leave the transporter room. Wasn’t sure how much longer I’d be standing on my feet. 

“Energize,” Spock said. 

I waited as the transporter operator flipped the switch and then quickly exited the room. I couldn’t go back onto the bridge like this and I didn’t want a bunch of questions from Bones so I headed for my quarters.

As soon I used my code to enter, I slipped inside and headed straight for the bed. I barely reached it before I collapsed and darkness took me.

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

I woke to the sight of Bones hovering over me, a tricorder scanning me. Blinking, I could not hold back a yawn. “Bones? What’s going on? Where am I?” 

“So you’re awake.” Bones finished his scan. “You’ve been out twelve hours, Jim.” 

I struggled to sit up; taking in the fact I was on my bed in my quarters. “What? Twelve hours? The bridge—” 

“Spock’s there.” 

“Spock? But Gratis IV—” 

Bones shook his head. “The landing party came back hours ago, Jim. Everything went fine. Spock coded your quarters so that only himself and I could enter while you were asleep. We figured you needed it. But even I didn’t expect you to be out this long. I was getting ready to wake you.” 

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I went out like that.” 

Bones nodded. “I know why. You haven’t been getting enough rest, Jim. And you’ve been trying to hide it from me. And you aren’t eating enough either.” He stood up and went to the replicator and ordered me a chicken sandwich and coffee. When it appeared he brought it to me. “I want to see you for a full physical after your next shift, Jim.” 

“Bones—” 

“No. You’ve been putting me off ever since we started this five year mission. You died, Jim. I’d like to monitor you pretty closely for a while.” 

“Don’t you think I know that?” I ran my hand through my hair. “It’s hardly something I can forget.” I blew out a breath even as he shoved the chicken sandwich at me. 

“I’ll need to see you for a psych evaluation too.” 

“I don’t need a shrink.” 

“Maybe, maybe not. You’re still going to be evaluated.” 

I clenched my jaw. “Fine. Okay.” 

Bones got up. “Eat your sandwich. You aren’t expected on the bridge for three more hours so take it easy before then and remember I want to see you in sickbay when you’re done.” 

“All right, Bones. Thanks.” 

When he left, I finished eating the chicken sandwich and coffee. After a shower, I knew at least one thing I wanted to do before my shift. I sat before my computer terminal and pushed a few buttons and waited. 

After about ten minutes Ambassador Spock appeared on my view screen. “Jim? You called for me?” 

“Ambassador.” I smiled at seeing the old Vulcan. _My_ old Vulcan, I could not help but think. 

“Spock.” And the ambassador’s eyes were warm and affectionate. 

“Spock,” I said softly. I felt a twinge of regret that my own Spock did not have warm, affection filled eyes for me. His eyes only seemed to soften for Nyota. “It is very good to see you.” 

“And you, my old friend. It is particularly gratifying to see you under the circumstances. You wished to speak to me?” 

“Yeah. I—well it sort of concerns those circumstances.” I paused. “I don’t know who else to talk about this with. There is no one, really. I’m, well, I thought of you for some reason. I’m not even really sure why.” 

But there it was. I felt safe and loved with the ambassador. Somehow his affection hit me even across space from where he was and I was. He would never seek to harm me. In fact, I suspected he would do anything for me, to help me, protect me. 

“Jim. You can always come to me. I will always endeavor to assist you in any way I am able.” There was just a touch of sadness in those warm brown eyes. 

“You miss him a lot, don’t you? Your Jim.” 

Spock nodded. “More than I can convey. He was my dearest friend.” 

“More than just a friend, I think.” I don’t know why I said it or even why I thought it, but I did. There was something there in the ambassador’s eyes and also in my head and heart. “I can feel it.” 

Spock let out an almost inaudible sigh. “Yes. We were t’hy’la.” 

“What does that mean? Is that a Vulcan word?” 

“We were bonded, Jim. More than just a bond. It is a brother, comrade, lover. It is all things and very rare and treasured. It is ancient Vulcan. Most of my race do not ever obtain such a bond mate, but I was very fortunate to find mine in James Kirk.”

“Is that…what I feel when you are near?” 

Spock nodded. “Yes. I feel it too. You are not my Jim, but my link recognizes you. It is why I knew when you died on the Enterprise and when you were revived.” 

“My…my dying is what I want to talk to you about.” 

The door of my quarters beeped. “Captain?” 

“Hold on, Ambassador. Someone’s at the door.” I muted the line and then hit the intercom. “Yes, Mr. Spock?” 

“I request a moment of your time.” 

“Now? I’m kind of busy.” 

“It will only take a moment, captain.” 

I opened the door and _my_ Spock entered the room, hands clasped behind his back. I felt a little rush at the sight of him but I firmly tamped it down. “What’s up?” 

“I wished to check on your condition after your collapse.” 

“Well, I wouldn’t call it a collapse…exactly. I fell asleep.” 

“For twelve hours.” He moved around the side of the desk until he stood next to my chair. 

“Hey,” I protested, wondering what made him decide to invade my space. 

Spock’s gaze flickered over my console. “You are conversing with my counterpart.” 

“Yes.” I had an urge to cover the screen with both hands though I couldn’t say why. 

His face expressionless, he stared at the ambassador. “May I ask why?” 

“No, you may not. My relationship with the ambassador is not your concern, Spock.” 

A muscle twitched in his jaw. “Relationship?” 

“Friendship.” I sighed. “Look, I’m fine. I’m doing better and I’ll be on the bridge shortly.” 

“As you wish, captain.” Spock went back to the other side of my desk. “I will have a status report when you report for duty, sir.” His back was stiff and unyielding as were his words. 

“Good. Thank you, Mr. Spock. Dismissed.” 

Biting my lip, I unmuted the ambassador. “I’m sorry for the delay.” 

“He is jealous,” the elder Spock said. 

I shook my head. “Nah. We don’t have the bond you had with your Jim. We’re just friends here. Spock’s in love with Lieutenant Uhura in this universe.” 

“Fascinating.” 

I didn’t find it fascinating, I found it sad, but there wasn’t anything I could do to change it. “Anyway, getting back to the other thing. I don’t have a long time. Have to report for duty. It’s just…I’ve been feeling kind of strange.” 

Spock’s eyes sharpened. “Strange how?” 

“I don’t even know. I get really tired really fast. To the point I can’t even stay upright. But then other times I can’t sleep at all. I have these dreams. Every one of them it’s like I’m about to die.” I sat back in the chair. “I don’t even want to go to sleep.” 

There was a long pause while the ambassador seemed to be considering his words. “As you know, there are not many people who have experienced what you did. However, it is not entirely unprecedented.” 

“Meaning?” 

“I do not like to say too much about what went on in my time. However, under the circumstances I feel I cannot remain silent. When we faced Khan, the second time we faced him, our Enterprise was disabled much in the same way your own was, Jim.” 

I frowned. “Yeah? Did I fix the warp drive then? Did I die?” 

Spock shook his head. “No. _You_ did not.” 

“I’m not sure I understand.” 

“I fixed the warp drive, Jim.” 

My heart squeezed in my chest and I found it hard to breathe. “You? Spock, _you_ died?” 

The ambassador nodded. 

I swallowed a lump. My eyes filled with tears. “I…how did I even deal with that? I can’t imagine you-you dying.” I shook my head. It hurt to think of _my_ Spock dying. So much, I could barely believe how much it hurt. “I can’t even think about it. It’s too much.”

“Jim was understandably devastated. As I would have been had he been the one to die.” 

“Did they use Khan’s blood to revive you?” 

“No. Not everything was the same. There was a device called Genesis that created new life and that led to my revival. When I was revived I had lost much of my memory of people and knowledge.” 

“You lost your memory?” 

“Indeed.” 

I thought about that. While there were certainly things I would like to have forgotten, I was glad I had not had to deal with that. “Wait. Does that mean you didn’t even know Jim?” 

The ambassador looked sad again. “Not at first. It was very painful for him.” 

“It would be.” It was so much to process. “But the bond? You didn’t recognize him with that?” 

“We had not been formally bonded during that time. We loved each other for as long as either of us remembered but it was not so simple, Jim. It took a long time for us to admit to what we were to each other. We wasted too many years.” 

I nodded. “Did you ever think maybe you weren’t meant to be saved?” 

“Is that what you are thinking, Jim?” 

I closed my eyes briefly. “I don’t know. Maybe. Sometimes. Maybe I was supposed to die then and they made a mistake bringing me back.” 

“That is illogical. Spock would do anything to save you. As would your friends and crew.” 

I smiled a little. “Like I said, Spock and I don’t have that kind of relationship. But I do appreciate everything he—they—did for me. I don’t want to sound ungrateful.” 

“You are mistaken, Jim. I _am_ Spock, so I know exactly how he feels about you. Believe me he would do anything.” 

“Well, okay, as a friend, yeah.” I realized the time with regret. “I have to go. I’m due on the bridge soon and I still have reports to go over. I wish we could spend some time together for real. Not just via a view screen, I mean.” 

“I would enjoy personal interaction as well. But I assume that your mission will not bring you to New Vulcan in the immediate future.”

“No.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry.” 

“It is gratifying that we are allowed this time together. You will contact me with anything you need to discuss in the future.” The ambassador made it sound more like a command than a suggestion. It made me smile. He held up his fingers in his Vulcan way. “Live long and prosper, Jim”

I imitated the gesture. “And you as well, Spock. Take care. Kirk out.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

I felt my own Spock’s eyes on me as soon as I stepped off the turbo lift. 

“Captain on the bridge,” Chekov said as usual.  

I glanced Spock’s way and offered him a smile before I headed to the captain’s chair. Yeoman Rand stepped up beside me and handed me a PADD. I yawned, my jaw popping loudly. I felt my ears burn knowing that a few of my crew had turned to glance at me. Great now they were watching me for signs of my weaknesses or something. I wondered if it was on their own or had Spock or Bones put them up to it? I kept my eyes firmly on the PADD as I reviewed the document Yeoman Rand wanted me to sign. 

“Status report, Mr. Sulu,” I said as I handed the PADD signed back to the Yeoman. 

“We’ll make Herhen in five hours, captain. You’ll have to use a shuttlecraft to reach the surface as the air around Herhen prevents using transportation.” 

“Thank you, lieutenant.” I stopped Yeoman Rand from leaving with a hand on her arm. 

“Captain?” 

“Can I bother you to get me a cup of coffee with cream?” I smiled my most charming smile. “Sorry for the menial task, but if you don’t mind?” 

She returned the smile. “Of course not, captain. I’ll be right back with that.” 

I felt Spock’s presence at my side mere seconds later. After a few seconds of ignoring him, I glanced over. He stood, as usual, impassive and unreadable. 

“Yes, Mr. Spock?” 

“You are still unwell.” 

“No, I’m fine.” 

“You are exhausted. You have dark circles under your eyes and you are visibly tired.” 

It sounded like an accusation. And yeah, Spock and I were friends now, but still it raised my hackles. My jaw clenched, I tried to reply in a reasonable voice. 

“I’m not compromised. Emotionally or otherwise, Spock.” Okay my voice came out a little sharper and colder than I had intended. I inwardly winced. 

“I did not imply you were, Captain,” he said equally cool. “Given the circumstances, however, I recommend you allow me to lead the shuttlecraft party to Herhen.”

“Your recommendation is denied, Mr. Spock. But I would like you on board.” Yeoman Rand returned with my coffee and I noticed she had included a small plate of cookies. Spock’s eyebrow rose at this and I found myself more than a little embarrassed. “Uh, thank you, Yeoman.” I took the coffee and cookies. “That will be all.” 

She smiled warmly. “Aye, Captain.” 

When she had walked away, I noticed Spock’s gaze briefly follow her as she went to the turbo lift. “Spock?” 

“The yeoman admires you,” he said. 

“Admires?” 

He inclined his head. “I believe humans would term it…a crush.” 

I laughed. “Nah, she was just being nice.” 

He raised his eyebrow again, but then turned and went back to his station.  

The remainder of the voyage to Herhen remained uneventful and I managed to stay awake with very little effort. It seemed, at least for the moment, my weird tiredness had gone away. 

Besides me and Spock, two security officers were to take the shuttlecraft to the planet’s surface. The planet was peaceful, or supposed to be anyway, but Spock insisted security accompany wherever I went that was not on the Enterprise. 

Unfortunately, as we approached the planet’s surface something went drastically wrong with the controls of the shuttlecraft and we spun out of control, crashing on the planet’s surface. 

I woke with a throbbing pain in my head and what I suspected was a nasty gash on my forehead based on the stinging pain and blood, but otherwise no serious injuries. Spock was in the chair next to me very still. 

“Spock? Spock!” I grabbed him and thanked God he seemed to be still breathing. But the back of the shuttlecraft was smoking and I could smell something burning. I would need to get us away from the shuttlecraft. I quickly checked on the slumped security officers and noted pretty fast they were both dead. “Fuck.” 

It took a lot of effort and strength and sweat but I finally managed to drag Spock out of there and got him as far from the shuttle as possible in case it exploded. Even now flames were licking the shuttle. 

I pulled out my communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise. Kirk to Enterprise. Come in.”

All I got was answering static.  "Fuck.” I scanned the area and quickly realized we’d crashed far from the settlement. I only hoped the planet’s elders would soon realize we crashed and contact the Enterprise. 

I turned to Spock. “Spock, wake up. Come on, Spock. You have to wake up. I need you.” I bit my lip. “Don’t do this to me. Please? I need you. Please.” 

Nothing. Just still body, no movement, no flickering of eyelids. Nothing. I had to firmly push down on the panic that rose up in me. What if Spock never woke up? How would I tell Uhura? How would _I_ deal with it? No Spock was inconceivable. I couldn’t…wouldn’t handle it. Ever. 

I don’t even know what I thought I was doing. I was certainly no telepath, but I found myself desperate and I formed my fingers like the ambassador had to me and put them on Spock’s face in similar fashion. 

“Okay, Spock, I’m kind of grasping here, so, um, our minds as one, come on, talk to me.” 

And at first nothing happened. I was as alone as I ever was and Spock didn’t move or react in any way. I clenched my eyes shut, about to remove my fingers from his face and try the communicator again, when something like a red-hot light flashed through my mind. It enveloped me in warmth and deep affection, it thrummed through me, and it was like fingers reaching out in my mind, searching for something. Then something sort of clicked into place in my brain and I was sending comfort and love back to the red light and it trembled. 

Then I gasped and pulled my hand away and the red light dimmed but did not wink out entirely. I could still feel its warmth and contentment. I blinked and saw that Spock had awakened and his dark eyes stared at me very intently. 

“Spock! Oh my God, Spock. You’re awake.” 

“Jim. What-what did you do?” Spock’s voice was low and solemn even for him. 

“The shuttle craft crashed. I had to pull you out because it caught on fire. The security officers didn’t make it.” I shook my head.  “I’ve been trying to contact the Enterprise but the communicators aren't working.” 

I helped Spock sit up. “Jim, you are bleeding.” He reached up and touched the spot just under the wound on my head. His fingers jolted me and then the sting from the cut eased. 

“Wow. That was cool. I can’t feel the pain. Did you do that somehow?” 

He nodded, his face impassive as usual. 

I smiled. “I didn't know you could do that.” 

“It is not common.” 

I frowned, not sure what to make of that. But I said, “How do you feel? Do you hurt? Are you injured?” 

“No, Captain. I seem to have a small headache but it is of no consequence.” He reached for his own communicator. “Spock to Enterprise.” 

There was a crackle, static and then…”Spock!” It was Uhura’s voice and the happy tone made me flinch just a little. I fought not to show it. I stood up instead and took a few steps away from Spock. 

“Nyota, the shuttle has crashed.” 

“We know! A shuttle is on its way to rescue you. Is there anyone injured? Dr. McCoy is on board.” 

“The captain and I have minor scrapes and cuts. But the security officers are both deceased,” Spock said in his matter-of-fact voice. 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Uhura said. “But relieved you and the captain are okay. The shuttle should be there soon.” 

“Acknowledged. Spock out.” He stood up from the ground with graceful ease and I tried not to stare. Really. 

I turned away and then swayed. Spock was by my side instantly, his hands on my arms to steady me. 

“You are not well.” 

“I’m-I’m fine.” Though I was fighting nausea and dizziness. 

Spock gave me that intense stare again and to my surprise his fingers touched my face, curling around my jaw. The red light flared to life again as potent as a few minutes ago and it flooded my mind with a sense of protectiveness I found both comforting and staggering. I shook my head. 

“What?” 

“Do not speak or fight it, Jim. Stay still.” 

The warmth and affection seemed to surround me and the dizziness and sick stomach I felt a moment ago were gone. I gaped at him. 

“Spock? How are you doing this? It’s you, isn't it? I, there’s something, in my head.”

“I will explain later, Captain. When we have returned to the Enterprise and completed our mission here.” 

I wanted to force it, but decided as I saw the approach of the shuttle craft now was not the time.

 

****

As soon as we were returned to the Enterprise, Uhura flung herself at Spock, obviously waiting for our arrival. She went to kiss him, but he turned his head at the last moment and her kiss landed on his cheek. 

 I looked away from their intimate reunion and noticed the stretcher waiting. I shook my head. “Oh, hell no, Bones. I don’t need that. I’m fine.” 

Bones had a stubborn look to his face. “You’re getting checked in sickbay, Jim.” 

“Fine, but I can walk.” 

Bones glanced toward Spock. “You, too, Spock. I’m checking you out too.” 

Spock nodded. “I will be there presently, doctor.” 

As I followed Bones from the shuttle craft hangar I heard Spock say, “Nyota, we need to talk.” 

Part of me wanted to stay to listen and part of me couldn’t wait to get out of there. 

Bones made me sit on a bed in sickbay while he checked me out. He’d bandaged the cut on my forehead. “Well, you have a mild concussion, but it’s nothing serious. I still want you off duty for twelve hours. During which I suggest you get some rest.” 

“I can’t be off duty, Bones. I have to still go down and speak to the Herhenians.” I shook my head. “A mild concussion. Two men died and all I have is a mild concussion.” 

“It’s the way things happen sometimes, Jim. You know that.” 

“I know it. I don’t have to like it.” I jumped down from the table. “Let me know how Spock is. I’m going to my quarters for a few hours before going back down  to the planet.” 


	4. Chapter 4

Inside my quarters, I was grateful to be alone with my thoughts. Seeing Spock with Uhura had shaken me more than I wanted to admit to anyone…especially myself. 

More and more it was getting harder to see them together. There was a tenderness there from Spock that he didn’t show to anyone else and I felt a pang that it could never be mine. I’d been an idiot to fall for my first officer. But I was determined Spock would never know. I couldn’t let my guard down the way I had done on Herhen. I wasn’t sure exactly what had happened down there with the heat and the red light, and feeling Spock in my brain, but I knew I had to get it out of my head. Pretend it never happened. For my sake and the sake of Spock and Uhura. 

I realized I was starving so before I dealt with Herhen business again, I ordered myself a rare indulgence from the replicator, a hamburger. I tried not to eat them too often on board the ship, making them a treat for shore leave. But I needed something to comfort me just then and my favorite food seemed the way to go. Before I knew it I had ordered myself a second one and also a cup of coffee. 

I sat down at my terminal to go through my messages. I had several from the elders of Herhen wishing me well and offering me sympathies for the loss of crewmen. I would need to contact them to arrange to try again to reach them for the diplomatic talks. But this time I decided I was taking Sulu with me rather than Spock. I contacted Herhen and advised we would land at the appointed place in two and a half hours. 

I was working on my mission report when the door of my quarters dinged. “Enter.” 

“Captain.” Spock stood there, spine straight and stiff, his hands clasped behind his back. 

“Hey, Spock. Did you go see Bones?” 

“Affirmative. I have been approved for duty.” He had arched an eyebrow and though his tone hadn’t really changed I had the feeling there was a challenge in the words. 

I nodded. “Good, I’ll need you on the bridge when I go back to the planet surface. Sulu’s coming with me.” 

“There is no need for the lieutenant to accompany you when I am perfectly capable of doing so, Captain.” 

“Spock, you were just involved in a shuttle craft accident.” 

“As were you.” 

“I never lost consciousness. Not for long anyway.” I reached for my coffee and took a sip. “I couldn’t even wake you up at first.” Which got me thinking all over again about the weirdness when I’d touched Spock’s psi-points. What the hell had that been? Should I ask him? And what about Spock saying he would explain when we got back to the Enterprise? Did I even want to know? 

“But _you_ did wake me up.” 

I glanced at him sharply, noticing the emphasis he’d put on the word. His face, as always, was impossible to read. 

“Herhen is just a routine mission, Mr. Spock. There is no need for both of us to go down to the planet.” 

“Agreed. Therefore, I recommend you stay on board the Enterprise and allow myself and Lieutenant Sulu to attend to matters.” 

“The Herhenians are expecting to see me, Commander. I am sure you could quote the statistical likelihood of another shuttle craft accident being a million to one or some such thing. It’ll be fine.” 

Spock opened his mouth as though to argue, but finally he said, “Very well, Captain.” 

When Spock still did not leave, I looked at him over the rim of my coffee cup. “Is there something else, Mr. Spock?” 

“No. Yes.” 

“Which is it?” I searched his face for some sign of what was going on in that Vulcan head but it was blank. 

“No, Captain.” 

I shook my head and touched his arm. _Worryconcernanxious._ I removed my hand with a frown. Those thoughts had not come from me. “Spock, I’ll be okay.” 

His expression did not change but he nodded. 

“Sulu to Captain Kirk. The shuttle craft is ready, sir.” 

I hit the comm on the side of my wall. “Acknowledged, Lieutenant. I’ll be there in five.” I offered Spock a smile as I opened the door of my quarters and we both stepped out into the corridor. “You have the con.”

 

****

 

When I was back on the Enterprise ten hours later, exhausted but having finally concluded our negotiations with the Herhenians I immediately questioned the computer about Spock’s whereabouts. I wanted to see him, touch him again. I was not sure why I felt this sudden overpowering need. Other than my usual pangs for Spock. 

“Commander Spock is in Lieutenant Uhura’s quarters,” the computer said. 

My eyes clenched shut seeming of their own accord and I sagged against the wall. Despair warring with jealousy spiked through me even as I recognized the irrationality of such thoughts. I had no cause to feel anything about Spock being with her. And why wouldn’t he be?

 _He’s not yours_. 

And yet I couldn’t breathe for the pain in my chest. Real and raw. I was a fool. A stupid lovesick fool. Fuck, I was pathetic. 

I straightened from the wall suddenly completely exhausted. Logically I should go straight to my quarters. But I was far from logical so instead I went to the bridge. 

“Captain on the bridge,” Ensign Lucas said from the navigator’s chair as Chekov was obviously off shift. Judging by the surprised looks of the crew on the bridge they had not expected me. They all straightened a little in their chairs. 

I didn’t really think I would ever get tired of hearing ‘Captain on the bridge’ every time I appeared. The feeling was exhilarating. Maybe I couldn’t have who I wanted, but it didn’t matter as much when I was on the bridge in the captain’s chair. I still had the Enterprise. _She_ was mine. 

“Jim.” And someone shook me. I jolted with a start. 

I wiped a hand across my face. “Uh. Bones. Hi.” 

“You were nodding off.” Bones frowned, standing directly next to my captain’s chair. I darted two quick glances to see that both Spock’s and Uhura’s stations remained unmanned. My gut twisted and I forced a sheepish smile at Bones. 

“Was I? Guess I’m a little tired.” I hit my comm. “Yeoman Rand, can I get some coffee?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Jim, you can’t keep surviving on coffee and sheer determination. You need sleep.” 

Sleep. With sleep came the nightmares. I didn’t want to think about them. 

“I sleep,” I insisted. 

“When was the last time you ate?” 

“Um, before I went to Herhen. The second time. I had a couple of burgers.”

“So now almost thirteen hours ago.” 

“I’ll eat after my shift’s over.” 

Bones shook his head. “This wasn’t your shift. You weren’t due on the bridge for several hours, Jim. You should have been sleeping. You’re just getting over a concussion.” 

“Oh, blah blah blah. I. Am. Fine. Doctor.” 

Bones jaw clenched and he clearly wanted to argue with me. The turbo lift opened behind us and without even turning around I knew who had stepped on to the bridge. 

 _Spock_. 

I was glad Bones still stood next to me so I didn’t have to look in Spock’s direction. Before I had been so eager to see him, now I didn’t want to even look at him. I swallowed the lump in my throat. 

“I’ll come see you later, Bones,” I said softly, trying to interrupt the doctor’s tirade. “Promise.” 

Just then the turbo lift opened again and judging by the waft of perfume, I knew Rand had arrived with my coffee. 

“See that you do,” Bones said, then headed for the turbo lift to exit the bridge. 

Yeoman Rand made a fuss as she brought me the coffee. I smiled brightly at her, maybe even flirtatiously, and I knew it. Screw it. Why the hell not? She was an attractive blonde and I hadn’t been laid in too fucking long. 

“Thank you…Janice,” I said, lowering my voice. She blushed at my use of her name but she also beamed a huge smile. 

“My pleasure, Captain.” 

“So, what are you doing after your shift is over?” I asked. 

“Captain.” Spock stood directly next to me, his stance rigid. 

I ignored him and instead flashed an even brighter smile at the yeoman. “We could—” 

“Dismissed, Yeoman,” Spock spoke coldly. 

Rand cast a furtive glance at the two of us but she beat a hasty retreat. I continued to ignore him as I took a sip of my coffee. 

“Captain, the mission report—” 

“I completed it and sent it to your station for your review, Commander.” 

“Captain, is there something wrong?” 

I finally looked at him, making my own expression as neutral as possible. “Commander?” 

“I was under the impression we would meet upon your return from Herhen, sir.” 

I shrugged. “I saw no need to meet with you, Mr. Spock. It’s all in the report.” 

Spock visibly stiffened. “Still, there are matters which need to be addressed. Perhaps when your shift is over.” 

“I don’t think I am available.” 

“Not available?” 

“I’m really tired.” 

Spock stared at me. “You are looking unwell again.” 

I was not going to do this. Not now. Not with him. I knew I was being unfair, but the pain I still felt over knowing he’d been with Uhura was still so potent I found it hard to breathe. I couldn’t get the image of them fucking out of my head. It was making me ill. 

“Report to your station, Commander.” 

“Captain?” 

“Dismissed.” 

I pinched the bridge of my nose even as I felt him walk away, his gaze burning holes in the back of my head. I’d have to apologize later, but just then I couldn’t deal with the turmoil twisting within me. I’d been in love with him for months. Even before Khan. I’d managed to deal with it so it didn’t affect me. So why the fuck was it rearing its ugly head _now_? 

I felt the beginnings of a raging headache and knew the exhaustion was getting to me again. There was a buzzing in my ears and I abruptly got up from my chair. 

Quarters now. Before…before--- 

The bridge tilted and I heard voices yelling ‘Captain’ and there was blackness. 


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up in sickbay to the smells of antiseptic and medicine. I swallowed, my throat feeling dry, my tongue fat and swollen in my mouth. 

I tried to sit up but a hand, McCoy’s, instantly set me back to lying flat. 

“Not so fast, Jim. You aren’t going anywhere.” 

“Bones—” 

His face loomed over me, his lips turned down in a massive frown. “Don’t _Bones_ me, kid. You’re in a helluva a lot of trouble.” 

“Is it that bad?” 

“Oh, you aren’t deathly ill, but I want to beat the crap out of you.” 

I smiled. “As usual.” He didn’t smile back which told me I really was in trouble. “What happened?” 

“You collapsed on the bridge. The hobgoblin carried you here.” 

Wincing, I sighed. “So I made a big scene?” 

“Apparently. Jim, how much sleep have you been getting?” 

I evaded that question by asking one of my own. “How long have I been out?” 

“Only ten hours this time. But you’re going to be out longer.” Now he reached down to help me sit up. “I’ll release you from sickbay, Jim. But there are restrictions.” 

“Restrictions?” 

“You’re off duty for forty-eight hours. You step one foot on the bridge and you’ll be back in sickbay so fast your head will spin. In fact I expect you to spend most of those forty-eight hours eating and sleeping. A lot.” 

“Bones, are you serious?” 

Bones gave him a stony look. “I can relieve you of duty for longer, Captain.” 

“You’re relieving me of duty?” I shook my head. “Bones, you wouldn’t.” 

“I would and I am. Don’t force me to make it longer, Jim. I’m completely serious.” 

I licked my dry lips. “Yes, I can see you are. Can I at least do reports? They're piling up.” 

He looked like he was going to forbid even that but after a moment, he nodded. “Yeah, okay. But nothing excessive.” 

I bit my lip. “Is it normal to just…do that?” 

“Lose consciousness?” 

I nodded. “I could feel it, you know. I started getting a headache and I got up to leave the bridge but I just…I don’t know…fainted?” 

“How long has it been since you slept, Jim?” 

I didn’t want to say that it had probably been when we’d gone to Gratis IV and I’d been out for twelve hours. So I shrugged. “I don’t know. I get an hour here and there. Maybe a couple.” The idea of sleeping filled me with increasing dread. But I couldn’t really say that. Even to Bones. Not yet. “Okay, Bones. Forty-eight hours.” 

He helped me to stand and then signed me out of sickbay. I went straight to my quarters like a good boy and then took a much needed shower.        

I got some sort of pasta dish out of the replicator along with an iced tea and I ate it at my desk as I turned on my terminal to take a look at the reports I needed to do. I’d decided to just wear my regulation pajama bottoms and a white T-shirt instead of putting on my uniform. 

After a few reports, I rubbed my eyes and glanced at the bed. I decided to try it and see if I could get at least a few hours in before the nightmares came. It seemed to me that I had to be totally exhausted to have any sort of dreamless sleep but the only way to know for sure was to test it. 

 _I was back on Delta Vega being chased by the bigger monster which had eaten the smaller one chasing me. I ran as fast as I could but the creature kept gaining on me. I searched for a cave to hide in but I couldn’t see one as the snow got thicker and made it hard to see anything in front of me. I fell to the ground and it hovered over me, its mouth yawning open. Frozen in place I can only watch as it began chomping on my legs. I could feel the intense pain of being eaten alive._

_I screamed and screamed and screamed._  

“Captain! Jim! Jim!” 

“Aaaahhhh!” I came awake, my breath seizing in my lungs. I stared at Spock, terror still gripping me. I backed up against the head of the bed, desperate to get away from him. “You! You want me dead! Get away! Get away!” 

Spock, sitting on my bed, stared at me, looking somewhat crestfallen. “What? No, Jim.” 

“You—you marooned me on Delta Vega,” I gasped out. “You knew there were monsters. You wanted them to-to eat me. You-oh my God.” I could still feel the creature’s jaws on my legs. And I realized I was crying. I couldn’t seem to stop. 

“Captain, please. You must calm down. I did not know of the life forms on Delta Vega. I was angry and not thinking. I did not wish you dead. I-I would never wish that. You were dreaming. You are safe here.” 

Before I could react, Spock pulled me into an embrace against him. _Guiltremorsepleaseforgivemefrantic._ I leaned my head against his shoulder and his arms tightened around me. 

“I will never harm you. Never again,” he said softly, stroking my hair. 

And I remembered. This was Spock. He’d fought Khan over me. He’d done everything he could to bring me back to life. My friend. Spock. 

I clenched my eyes and sighed. Affection and warmth from the red light flowed through me, comforting me, calming me with its soothing presence. 

“It was bad, Spock. Really bad.” 

“You are safe.” 

“It-it was eating me.” 

“You are safe,” he repeated, holding me tighter still. “I will not allow anything to harm you ever again.” 

It was so easy to believe that when he was holding me like this with the red light enveloping me with love and comfort and calm serenity. I wanted to stay like this forever, but I knew I couldn’t. Knew I had to pull away from Uhura’s boyfriend who was just comforting me as a friend and nothing more no matter how much I wanted it otherwise. 

With a calming breath, I eased away from him and smiled. “Thanks, Spock. I needed that.” 

His dark eyes searched my face. “I did not know you dreamed of your time on Delta Vega.” 

“I have a lot dreams,” I said. “That’s the first time I’ve dreamed that, though.” I swung my legs to the floor and stood. It was time to put distance between me and Spock before my receding panic turned into me having a big time hard-on for my first officer. I asked the replicator for a glass of water and took several large swallows.

Spock stood. “You are well now?” 

“Better. Thanks. How did you--?” 

“I heard you scream,” Spock explained. “I used my override code to reach you. You’d locked yourself in.” 

“Bones has relieved me from duty for forty-eight hours.” I sighed. “He wanted me to rest. Fuck. See what happens when I rest?” 

Spock was watching me very carefully. “So…bad dreams are not rare for you, Captain?” 

“No, they aren’t.” I decided a change of subject was in order. “Listen, Spock. I owe you an apology.” 

“An apology, Captain?” 

“Yes. For earlier on the bridge. I was being an ass to you. I’m sorry. I was feeling…well out of sorts.” To put it mildly. I still couldn’t stop thinking of him with Uhura and thinking life really sucked sometimes, but it wasn’t Spock’s fault I loved him, well it sort of was because he was so awesome, but I didn’t want to lose his friendship because I wanted him. I could handle it. I could. 

“Your apology is not necessary. I was not offended.” 

I smiled. “Good. I’m glad. I’m sorry if my being off means you have to work extra shifts.” 

“It is my duty as your first officer, Captain. Do not be concerned.” 

“Okay. Listen, later, if you have time, maybe we could get in a chess match?” 

He nodded. “That would be agreeable.” He headed for the door to exit my quarters. “You are not in need of anything, Captain?” 

 _Just you_. 

“Nah, I’m good, Spock. Just let me know when you’re ready to get beat at Chess.” 

Spock merely raised his eyebrow and then left my quarters.

 

****

 

When the door of my quarters buzzed later I expected it to be Spock, so I just hit the button to open the door as I tugged on a black undershirt. 

A feminine throat clearing had me turning around in surprise. Carol Marcus stood there smiling. “Hello, Jim.” 

“Carol. Hey. I wasn’t expecting you.” 

“I hope I’m not an unwelcome surprise.” 

I smiled. “Of course not. It’s always a pleasure to see you.” 

She stepped fully into my quarters, her bright smile never dimming. “I was wondering—” 

The doors to my quarters opened again and Spock started to enter then stopped short, staring at Carol Marcus. 

“Oh, hey, Spock.” 

“Captain, I was unaware you had company,” he said stiffly. “Dr. Marcus.” 

“Oh, I am sorry,” Carol said. “I wasn’t aware you were meeting with Mr. Spock. I can come back another time.” 

“If you are busy, Captain, we can postpone our match.” 

I could see where this was going. With both of them leaving and me alone twiddling my thumbs. I shook my head. 

“Spock, stay.” I flashed an apologetic smile at Carol. “Sorry, I did have plans with Spock. Can we meet some other time?” 

“Of course, Jim. Perhaps we can meet for lunch?” 

I nodded. “Sounds good. Goodnight, Carol.” 

When she was gone, I turned to Spock. “I haven’t had a chance to set up the chess board.” 

Spock moved to where the chess set was and began to set it up on my desk. “I was unaware you were seeing Dr. Marcus.” 

“What?” I asked, surprised. “Well, I’m not seeing her. This is really the first time I’ve seen her outside the bridge since she joined the crew.” 

“I suspect she intends to change that.” 

I glanced at him. His tone was clipped and his posture more rigid than normal but I wasn’t sure why. Nor why he should care if I did start seeing Carol? “Maybe. But I don’t see the problem. I know I’m the captain and all, but I’ll be careful and discreet, Spock. No worries.” 

He turned to face me, his face more expressionless than usual, if that were possible. “I would think that you would realize fraternizing with a crew member would be inappropriate, Captain.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“With your…reputation, it is known that you do not seek committed relationships, Captain. There is no reason to suspect a relationship with Dr. Marcus would be any different, therefore, when it ends, things could become awkward for yourself and the doctor.” 

My jaw clenched. “I see.” 

Spock went to the replicator and selected his usual tea he drank. He turned to me. “Do you wish a beverage?” 

I shook my head and took my seat behind my desk. I wasn’t ready to say anything to him after what he’d just said to me. Okay, well maybe, he was right. Carol was a beautiful woman, but I didn’t see it going anywhere other than hot sex to relieve a few lonely nights. I was still in love with someone else, well, Spock, fuck it, so it wasn’t like I was going to marry her or something. But, hell, didn’t I have a right to get laid like anyone else? 

We played in silence. And it was tense. I was miffed at him for telling me the truth and he was…well, I didn’t know what the hell he was. But tension and annoyance sort of radiated from his direction. 

“Checkmate,” he declared a short time later. His play had been more ruthless and brutal than usual. “Rematch?” 

“Absolutely.” 

And he proceeded to kick my ass three more times. I was almost glad to see him leave my quarters. 

Almost. 

My gaze strayed to my empty, lonely bed and the dread of sleep overwhelmed me.  

 


	6. Chapter 6

“Jim, I did not expect to hear from you again so soon, old friend.” 

I smiled at the Ambassador on my terminal. “I’m not disturbing you, am I?” 

“No, of course not. You look tired.” 

I’d certainly heard that over and over again. “I know. It’s the dreams again.” 

“They have grown worse?” 

I blew out a breath. “Beyond worse. I die in all of them. Horrible deaths.” 

The ambassador frowned. It sort of amazed me that old Spock showed his emotions so much easier than my own Spock. I wondered if it had always been that way. 

“I can see why that would be disturbing to you, Jim.” 

“The-the latest one I was being eaten by that-that thing on Delta Vega. And the weirdest part is I could feel it, Spock. I swear it was so real, I felt it eating me.” I shuddered. “I don’t want to sleep. Ever. And that’s causing problems with my ability to command.” 

“How?” 

“I stay awake until I literally can’t stand on my feet anymore. Bones relieved me of command for forty-eight hours.” 

Ambassador Spock nodded. “I see. And you have told no one about this?” 

“I woke up screaming from the last one and Spock came in. So he knows something about it, but I don’t think he knows the full extent of it.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but, hell, maybe I really wasn’t meant to be saved.” 

“You are correct. I do not. That is illogical.” 

“But it’s not!” I insisted. “What was illogical was saving the life of someone already dead.” 

“As you know, I would not be here myself if not for your counterpart refusing to give up on me. I would do no less for him. Or you.” He paused pressing the fingers of both hands together. “Jim, you are recovering from significant trauma over the last few years. You have not had an easy life. You sacrificed yourself to save the Enterprise and its crew. No one could fault you for having a few unusual nightmares.” 

“Do you really think that’s all it is?” 

“Yes.” 

I laughed. “Just like that.” But I did feel better. What was it about Spock, _any_ Spock, that seemed to soothe me? 

“Jim, I want you to call me whenever you have one of these dreams and tell me about them. I do not know if that will help you, but since you are not talking to anyone else about them, at least talk to me.” 

“You won’t think I’m bugging?” 

He shook his head. “Never. I am here in whatever capacity you need.” 

“Okay. Thank you.” I held up my fingers in the way Spock always did. Although it was a little awkward. “Live long and prosper, Ambassador.” 

“You as well, Jim.” 

**** 

I met Carol for lunch the next day in the dining room. She was already seated at a table for only two. I grabbed a chicken sandwich and coffee out of the replicator and joined her at the table. 

“Hi.” I gave her a bright smile. 

“Hello, Jim. I was beginning to think you were going to stand me up.” 

“Sorry, am I late?” 

“Not really.” 

I noticed Spock enter the dining room and glance our way. I shifted in the chair. “So, um, what have you got there?” 

“A salad with low-fat dressing.” She laughed and made a face. 

“Low-fat? You’ve got a perfect body.” Oh shit, I probably shouldn’t have said that. I ducked my head but glanced to where Spock had sat at a table with a couple of members of the Science Department. He was seated in such a way so that he could see our table directly in his vision. So even though he was talking to another man his eyes never left our table. 

“Well, thank you, Jim.” She said with a bright smile. “I think yours is pretty nice, too.” 

“Hmm? My what?” I stared back at Spock. 

“Your body.” 

I blinked and looked at her. “Oh. Right. Yeah. So what are you eating?” 

“Jim, is something wrong?” she asked sharply. 

“No, no. Sorry. I’m a little distracted is all.” 

She followed my gaze to Spock. She nodded. “Yes, it would seem you are. I would wager you are distracted on purpose.” 

“What? What does that mean?” 

She shrugged. “Nothing really. It’s just…you and Mr. Spock are very close.” 

“Yeah, we’re friends. No big deal.” 

“Mm. Listen, I’ll come to the point here,” Carol said. “I like you, Jim. I like you a lot. I’m very attracted to you.” 

I knew Spock was staring very intently at us, but I didn’t dare spare a glance toward him because I had a feeling Carol would want to slap me if I did. But it was hard to fight the urge to look at him. Strangely odd. It was almost as though Spock himself was compelling me to look his way. 

“Carol,” I said gently. “I like you a lot too. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find you really hot.” 

“But. I sense a but, Jim.” 

I nodded. “I’m really trying to be the best captain I can be. I don’t know if that was always the case before, but now, I want to be a damn good captain. And I can’t be that and engage in any kind of intimate relationship with my crew. I’m sorry.” 

She smiled. “I completely understand, Jim. And I’m impressed, actually, that you’re planning on avoiding fraternizing with the crew. Your reputation had suggested otherwise.” 

“People change. Or at least I do. But we can be friends, Carol, right?” 

“Oh, definitely. I’d like that. Just remember friends don’t comment on each other’s perfect bodies.” And this time her smile was teasing. 

I laughed and this time the urge to look at Spock was too overwhelming to ignore. I glanced his way and sure enough his gaze was on me. He nodded curtly. 

**** 

“Captain on the bridge!” 

And I couldn’t miss the extra excitement in Chekhov’s voice as he announced me either. I gave Uhura a polite smile and then made my way to the captain’s chair. 

“Mr. Chekov?” 

He spun around to look at me, a big grin on his young face. “Aye, Captain?” 

“Course plotted for our next mission?” 

“Yes, sir, course plotted for the planet, Larian.” 

“Excellent. Warp four, Mr. Sulu.” 

“Aye, Captain.” 

I picked up my PADD and began to go through the mission details. Larian was a planet desiring to become part of the Federation. They were a planet rich in dilithium crystals and therefore the Federation was eager to have them. There was a rebel faction on the outskirts of the main city but they weren’t expected to cause any real problems for us. 

“Captain.” 

I smiled and looked at Spock who stood next to my chair. “Yes, Mr. Spock?” 

“I assume you plan on going down with the landing party to Larian.” 

“You assume correctly.” 

“Then I will, of course, accompany you.” 

I nodded. “Of course.” 

Yeoman Rand appeared on the other side of me handing me a cup of coffee. “I thought you might like coffee, sir.”

I took the coffee. “Thank you, Yeoman.” And went back to reading my PADD. She did not move away, so I glanced up. “Was there something else, Yeoman?” 

She blinked and then stepped back. “No, Captain.” 

I gave her a slight smile. “Dismissed.” 

Spock still stood next to me. “What? No flirting today, Captain?” 

“Flirting? Do I flirt?” 

He nodded. “All too frequently, sir.” 

I pursed my lips. I didn’t think I had been doing it _that_ much. I sipped my coffee. “Was there anything else, Mr. Spock?” 

“No, Captain.” But I swore I detected a hint of amusement in his tone as he headed back to his station. 

As we were getting close to Larian I had to make the decision on the away team. Besides Spock and myself. The Larian language could be difficult so really I should be bringing a communications officer with me and the best I had was Lieutenant Uhura. If I truly wanted to be as good of a captain as I said, I needed to put aside my feelings regarding her and Spock together. 

I turned toward her. “Lieutenant, you’re with me.” 

“Yes, Captain.” 

I hit the comm. “Security, have two officers meet me in the transporter room in ten. Kirk out.” 

I rose from my captain’s chair and headed for the turbo lift, followed by Spock and Uhura. “Sulu, you have the con.” 

I stood off to the side in the turbo lift while Spock stood to the left of me and Uhura stood next to him. None of us spoke, but I could definitely feel some tension. I wasn’t sure if it came from me or them. 

Finally I looked at them. “Any problems?” 

“No, sir,” Spock said. 

“Not from me, Captain,” Uhura replied. 

I nodded as the turbo lift doors opened and we headed for the transporter room. The security officers were waiting for us so we stepped up to the transporter pads. 

“Energize.” 

As soon as we materialized on the surface, I looked around. The security officers had their phasers out at the ready for any trouble. We had beamed outside of the main settlement and the Larians had informed us because of the rebels they would prefer to meet us once we had reached the city. 

Spock had his tricorder out. He pointed to the left. “That way, Captain.” 

We started heading in that direction when something rustled in the trees beside us. I stopped, drawing my phaser.   

“Jim!” Spock shouted and suddenly I was shoved to the ground hard by Vulcan strength. A phaser blast obviously meant for me hit Spock in the arm instead and he went down. 

“Fuck! Why can’t these things ever be easy,” I muttered. I got up just as a man dressed in fatigues, a rebel I guessed, came toward Spock, apparently thinking to finish him off. Without much thought I kicked in the air landing a hard kick to the man’s stomach and he flew into the nearby trees. Then as another approached behind me, I elbowed him causing him to fall to the ground unconscious. I kicked at another who also went flying. Far. I turned at struck a fourth which also sent him several feet away. 

Then it was just us with Spock, Uhura, and the two security officers staring at me, shocked looks on their faces. 

I blinked. “Did I just do that?” 

Spock, holding his arm, was still on the ground. “Yes, Captain.” 

I reached down to help him up. “Uhura, call the Enterprise. We’re going back up. And have McCoy waiting. Fucking Larians.” 

When we appeared on the transporter, Bones was waiting. “What the hell happened to you this time, Jim?” 

“Not me. Spock.” 

“The captain kicked ass,” one of the security guards said, sounding awed.

“Sir, where’d you learn to fight like that?” 

“Kicked ass?” Bones asked, doubtfully, his tricorder out as he scanned Spock’s arm. 

“Yeah,” the other guard said. “It was awesome. He was awesome.” 

I felt myself blush. “You’re dismissed. I’ll let you know if we need you later.” 

They continued to stare at him in awe, but eventually they turned and left the transporter room. 

“You really were something else down there, Captain.” Uhura said, and it appeared to be something hard for her to say. 

I cleared my throat. “Well, um. Anyway, contact the Larians, Lieutenant. Tell them I’m fucking pissed and I’ll be reporting this to Starfleet.” 

“Aye, sir.” She left the transporter room. 

“You…sickbay,” Bones said to Spock. 

I went with them to sickbay and waited as Bones examined Spock’s arm and continuously jabbed him with hyposprays. It was weird to have him do it to someone other than me for once. 

“Spock, what the hell was that?” I asked. 

“Captain?” 

“Shoving me out of the way so you could get shot yourself.” 

Spock gave a little shrug. “You are my captain. It is my duty to protect you.” 

I sighed. “Not at the cost of your own life.” 

“Yes, actually.” He raised an eyebrow. “Fortunately that was not the case this time. I am more interested in your behavior, Captain.” 

“Mine?” 

“You did indeed ‘kick ass’. Doctor, could it be something to do with Khan’s blood?” 

“Wait, what? You think I have super fighting skills now because of that guy’s blood in me?” 

“We do not know what is possible, Captain. We have no prior experience with which to go on and you yourself saw how easily you were able to take out our attackers.” 

Bones stepped over to me and started to scan me. 

“Hey, Spock’s the one injured.”

“He’s fine. Just a little phaser burn.” 

Spock stood up from the biobed. “Well, doctor?” 

He shook his head. “Readings are all normal.” 

I blew out a breath, relieved to hear it. I wanted as little to do with Khan as possible. Just because I had his blood in me didn’t mean I had to be like him. Right? And I’d done a bit of fighting before. It wasn’t like I was bad at it or anything. I’d fought my way out of a lot of scrapes. 

“See? You’re worrying for nothing.” I patted his non-injured hand and felt an instant spark of something in my mind but it was too brief for me to catch. “I’m going back down to Larian. I want you to stay here.” 

“Captain. Dr. McCoy has already said I’m fine. There is no reason for me to stay behind on the Enterprise.” 

“Spock.” 

He just raised an eyebrow at me. 

“Stubborn Vulcan,” I muttered.  “All right, let’s go.” I pulled out my communicator. “Uhura report to the transporter room.” 

“Yes, sir. I’ll have security there too.” 

I walked to the transporter room with Spock by my side.

 


	7. Chapter 7

“Captain Kirk, we assure you we meant no harm to you or your crew,” an elderly humanoid with turquoise skin and pink hair assured me, wringing his hands. “We honestly did not think the rebels would attack you so openly.” 

Besides the man speaking, Lopp he’d called himself, there were two more males, a woman about the age of Lopp who had declared herself Lopp’s wife, and a young woman somewhere in her twenties who was their daughter, Shayla. She’d been eye-fucking me since we’d arrived in the city. They all had the turquoise skin and pink hair. I had to admit that Shayla was very pretty. 

“Fortunately, none of us were seriously injured. My first officer was wounded though,” I said, glancing at Spock, who stood rigidly next to me, his gaze fixed on Shayla. I wasn’t sure why considering Uhura was right there. 

“If you require our healers—” 

“No, our doctor on the ship took care of that.” 

Lopp licked his lips nervously. “We would like to invite your party to dine with us, Captain. You would honor us.” 

“Very well,” I replied, “But Commander Spock is a vegetarian.” 

“We are aware of this, sir. We will be more than happy to accommodate him.” He looked to his daughter. “Please take our guests to a room where they may freshen up before we dine.” 

“Yes, Father.” She came forward and hooked her arm through mine. She smiled. “Captain, this way, please.” 

When she brought us to the room, she lingered by the door. “Captain Kirk, may I speak privately with you?” 

“Um, sure.” I glanced at the others. “I’ll be back.” 

“Captain, you should take a security guard with you,” Spock said. 

Shayla’s eyes widened. “But Commander, I don’t mean him any harm.” 

I smiled at her. “I am sure you don’t. It’ll be all right, Spock.” 

I disappeared through the door with her and taking my hand she continued to move through another door. She turned to me but she did not remove her hand from my arm. 

“Captain…May I call you James?” she asked breathlessly.

"Yeah, I suppose. What is it you wanted to speak to me about?” 

“Oh, I don’t want to speak to you. I want to do this.” She launched herself into my arms, wrapping her arms around my neck. And then she kissed me full on the lips, her tongue thrusting into my mouth. 

Jealousy spiked through me, hot and intense. But it…it was not from me. I shook my head.

“Mmm.” I tried to step back but she pressed herself closer, her breasts pushed provocatively against my chest. And she was pretty. I felt my body react, my cock rising to attention in my tight uniform pants. 

In my head, anger and jealousy flowed. More intense and insistent as well as hurt. Extreme hurt that caused my heart to ache. 

I tore my lips from hers and pushed away from her. 

She gaped at me in surprise. “James?” 

“I’m sorry, really, but I can’t.” 

Her eyes narrowed. “You want our dilithium crystals. I can guarantee you will get them and with very generous terms.” 

“The captain does not engage in intercourse with women in order to secure Federation contracts,” Spock spoke from the doorway. 

“But I--” She looked between us, confusion obvious on her face. “But I have heard--” 

“Your information is incorrect, Miss. Shayla.” Spock’s tone was cool and he stepped into the room and came to stand beside me. “If you would excuse us, we have business to discuss before we dine with your father.” 

I smiled at her but allowed Spock to pretty much drag me away from her and with his hand wrapped around my wrist I could feel that the jealousy had been coming from him. I turned on him in the hallway and pulled my wrist away from him. 

“Just wait a minute. First of all, what the fuck are you doing in my head? And second, I can handle myself. I don’t need you coming in and rescuing me from some spoiled planet princess.” 

“Captain—” 

“Don’t give me that captain crap right now. And what’s with the jealousy? Did you want her? Jesus, Spock, with Uhura here? I don’t get it.” 

Spock stared stoically at me. “Yes, I can see that you do not.” 

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t know what’s going on with you. With us. Just…I don’t want to fight with you, Spock. I hate that. So, can we just, can we be friends?” 

“I am your friend, Jim.” 

I nodded. “Good. That’s good. Now let’s just get ready for this dinner thing so we can get out of here and back on the Enterprise where we belong.” 

“Yes, Captain.” 

**** 

 The dinner went all right though I’d had to deal with Shayla staring at me with a rather rebellious look on her face. 

But by the time the affair was over, I was ready to leave. Past ready. I’d been feeling a strange sort of aggression ever since about half way through the dinner.  I couldn’t explain it, but I knew I’d be better off getting off Larian as soon as possible. 

We were about to leave the dwelling when a man holding a dagger lunged at Spock. He pushed a startled Spock against the wall and raised the dagger about to strike. Uhura had screamed. Moving faster than I thought I could I grabbed the turquoise Larian by the scruff of his neck and lifted him off Spock with amazing ease. He felt like he weighed nothing. 

I turned him around, his fee dangling helplessly, and wrapped my hand around his neck and squeezed. 

“Captain! Captain!” Spock’s voice got louder. “Jim! Release him.” 

I blinked and loosened my grip on the alien’s throat and lowered him to the ground. Shaking my head, I looked at Spock. I suddenly knew what he had felt when he’d been strangling me on the Enterprise. 

Lopp stood nearby wringing his hands. “I am so sorry, Captain Kirk. I do not know what got into my subject’s mind. We offer you the most generous of terms for the crystals, of course. Please accept our apologies.” 

Already Larian guards were taking the man away. 

“Captain Kirk, please, if you could assure your Federation--” 

“Okay, yeah. Fine. Thank you. Send your terms to my communications officer, Lieutenant Uhura when we get back to the Enterprise,” I said, feeling much calmer. I couldn’t help but notice my security guards were once more staring at me with something like hero worship but both Uhura and Spock’s eyes held concern. 

I looked at them. “We need to get out of here.” 

“Agreed, Captain,” Spock said. 

“Are you okay?” 

“I am unharmed.” 

“Good. Let’s go.” 

**** 

“Enter.” 

And Bones stepped into my quarters. Holding a bottle of brandy and two glasses. Somehow I wasn’t at all surprised to see him. 

“Hey, Bones,” I said from behind my computer. “Have a seat.” 

He sat across from me at my desk and poured two glasses. “Tell me about Larian.” 

“Spock’s already told you, hasn’t he? Isn’t that why you’re here?” 

“He told me the facts of course. Which imagine my surprise when you didn’t tell me? Jim, I’m supposed to be your best friend. But lately—” 

“What?” 

“You seem distant.” He sipped his brandy. “Ever since—” 

“I died?” 

“Yes, damn it.” 

I nodded and stared at the glass of brandy in my hands. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Bones. I wish…I wish.” 

“Wish what?” 

“Forget it.” 

Bones narrowed his eyes at me. “Damn it, Jim, stop closing up. Talk to me.”

I clenched my jaw, full of sudden rage. “Fine! I wish you had left me dead! Okay? I’m fucking pissed at you that you brought me back, you selfish bastard.” 

Bones stared at me, wide-eyed. “When you let go, you really let go.” 

All at once the spark of anger I’d felt at him pushing me was gone. “Bones, I’m sorry.” 

He downed his brandy and poured himself another. “You are right, Jim. I am selfish. I couldn’t let you die. I’ll always do whatever it takes to bring you back. And you’re just going to have to fucking deal with it.” 

“Thanks,” I said, feeling a lump in my throat. “I don’t deserve such a best friend.” 

“That’s where you’re wrong, kid. And someday you’re going to get it into that thick skull of yours. Now tell me. I want to know everything. I’m selfish that way.” 

I smiled and took a sip of my own brandy. “Tonight, on Larian, I felt anger that the Larian would harm Spock and I lost control. I wanted to kill him. I would have.” 

“Did you really hold him with one hand off the floor?” 

“Yeah. I mean I would have felt angry over anyone attacking Spock, but this was more. I couldn’t even think beyond wanting that bastard dead. And earlier on the planet, I don’t want to admit it, Bones, but I had no trouble taking out those rebels. It was ridiculously easy.” 

“It has to be as a result of having Khan’s blood in you, Jim.” 

“Yes. But what does that mean? You said my scans were normal.” 

Bones nodded. “They were. But something’s going on with you.” 

“I agree.” I sighed. “And there are dreams.” 

“Dreams?” 

“My not sleeping. It’s because every time I sleep I have dreams of dying. Bad dreams, Bones.” 

“And you were going to tell me this when?” He shook his head. “I can give you sedatives, you won’t dream then. You can’t keep things from me, Jim. I’m your damn doctor too.” 

“I’m not used to relying on anyone. Even you.” 

“That’s got to change. You’ve got me now and you have Spock. And the crew. We’re all on your side and we’re here to support you. Do you get that?”

“Not always.” 

“Well, you’d better work on it. From now on I was a daily report of any changes, anything different, hell anything the same. Got that?” 

My lips twitched. “Yes, Doctor.” 

“Jackass.” 

And I laughed. For the first time it seemed in a while.

 


	8. Chapter 8

By the time Bones left I was pretty pleasantly drunk but definitely not ready for bed. So I decided to do some reports, I mean I wasn’t _that_ drunk. But then my door binged again. 

“Enter.” 

This time Spock stood there looking stiff as usual. But I was a little drunk and I had this urge to just devour him. I didn’t, of course, but I stared, perhaps a little hungrily. 

“Captain.” 

I moved toward him, standing only a foot or so away. Probably invading his personal space, but he didn’t step back. 

I swallowed. “Commander.” 

Spock’s nostrils flared. “You have been drinking alcohol.” 

“Yep. With Bones. He just left. Wh-what can I do for you?” I’ll do anything. _Anything._

“I came to report on the incident on Larian.” 

“Oh. ‘Kay. What?” I swayed a little closer to him. Couldn’t seem to stop myself. And then he reached out a hand to steady me. His warm fingers curving around my forearm. 

“You are inebriated,” he said. 

I nodded. “A little. What did you want to tell me?” And I realized through my alcohol and lust addled brain that I couldn’t get any of his thoughts right then. And it annoyed me. A few hours ago I wanted him out of my head and now I wanted him back. God, I was pathetic. 

“It was Lopp’s daughter, Shayla, who had the Larian man attack me,” Spock replied. 

“What? Why?” 

“Apparently she saw me as an impediment to her desire for you.” 

“That’s fucked up.” I shook my head. “How’d you find out?” 

“Lopp’s second in command provided the information when sending over the Dilithium contract details. She has been severely reprimanded.” 

“She wanted you dead just because I wouldn’t sleep with her?” I shook my head again and it was a mistake because my brain sort of fuzzed more. “Guess I should have—should have.” 

I swayed closer until our chests were only an inch apart and my gaze dropped to his lips, rather plump and tempting. God, I wanted to kiss them, taste them. It was an intense ache I didn’t want to deny. So I didn’t. I tilted my head to the side and pressed my mouth to his. His lips were hot, soft, and instantly addictive. I wanted to taste them forever. But though they softened under mine, Spock stood rigid and unyielding, not kissing back.

Which was like having ice water dashed in my face. What the fuck was I doing? Spock didn’t want me! I pulled myself abruptly away, too abruptly because I stumbled and Spock went to steady me but I moved out of his reach. 

“Captain.” 

I didn’t want to look at him because I was sure I would see how repulsed he was. I turned my back on him. “I’m tired, Spock. I’m going to bed.” 

A long pause. “Perhaps that would be wise, Captain. Do you require assistance?”

“No. Dismissed, Commander.” I knew I spoke sharply. Too sharply. It wasn’t Spock’s fault I was desperate to be with him. Desperate to touch him, taste him everywhere. Life was fucked up. 

I listened to the door of my quarters swish open and then close before I turned around. I kissed Spock. I fucking kissed him like an idiot. No doubt he’d go tell Uhura how illogical I was. 

I stared at my bed but there was no way I would go to sleep. To what? Dream again? If I went up to the bridge like this Bones would have my head. So I got my workout clothes on and headed for the gym. 

I spent two hours working out and didn’t even get worn out. I was frustrated. Was this what having Khan’s super blood in me was going to do? 

The next few hours before I was due on the bridge, I just wandered around the ship talking to crew members. Most of them seemed surprised to see me but they welcomed me warmly. A few seemed pretty intimidated though. 

I entered the bridge five minutes early. 

“Captain on the bridge.” 

Heading straight for my chair, I didn’t even glance at Spock’s station. I didn’t want to look at him, see his disgust. I didn’t look Uhura’s way either in case she knew all about me kissing her boyfriend. 

I picked up my PADD and started going through Starfleet messages and reports. This went on for several minutes before I realized that Chekov and Sulu were staring at me. 

I raised my gaze. “Yes?” 

“Don’t you want a status report, Captain?” Chekov asked. 

“Sure.” 

“We’re on course for Starbase Twelve, sir. There’s a diplomatic envoy there waiting for us to take him to Ceti Alpha Three.” 

“Yes, Ensign. I read the mission brief. Estimated time for arrival?” 

“Fifty-two hours at warp four, Captain.” 

“Okay, thank you, Mr. Chekov.” I went back to reading my PADD but I was still aware that Spock’s gaze was on the back of my head. I ignored it as best I could. 

**** 

I managed to avoid Spock on the way to the Starbase, but it also caused an ache in my heart that would not go away. It was like I was starved for him. And not having his thoughts in my head, his emotions, whatever they were, and that comforting red light was torture. It was crushing my spirits, making me irritable. 

But I didn’t know how to fix it. I couldn’t face Spock. He had to know now just how I felt about him. And he had done nothing to fight against my avoidance so I could only infer he was just as happy to avoid me. 

I slept but only because Bones gave me sedatives that put me totally out. It wasn’t a permanent solution but it would have to do for now. Bones also seemed to be making sure I eat. And my appetite had been increasing, actually, so I didn’t really need a babysitter for that. It wasn’t unusual for me to be munching an apple or two on the bridge. 

So, though my body was physically fit, my mind…and my heart ached with loss and loneliness. And it was my own fault. 

So with only three hours before we reached Starbase Twelve, I entered the rec room. I stopped in my tracks when I saw Spock in the corner with a chess set in front of him playing with one of his Science Officers. 

 _Ouch_. 

It hurt, yeah. He hadn’t even asked me. Sure, _I’d_ been avoiding _him_ but damn it now I knew for sure _he_ was avoiding _me_ and it was truly because he’d been sickened by me kissing him. Probably was afraid I’d try it again. 

I looked away quickly before he noticed the pained hurt look on my face and I scanned the rest of the occupants of the rec room. Chekov, Sulu, and Scotty were at a table playing cards, so I approached them. 

“Mind if I join you?’’ 

“Captain!” Chekov exclaimed happily. “Please.” 

I sat next to him and across from Sulu and Scotty. 

“Shall we deal you in on the next hand, Captain?” Sulu asked. 

“Poker?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Yeah, sounds cool,” I said as I watched them complete the hand they were already playing. 

“Not playing with Mr. Spock?” Scotty jerked his head toward the corner of the room. 

“No.” I decided not to elaborate. What could I say anyway? _I kissed him and he hated it? He’s not into guys? At least not into me?_    

And then Scotty won the hand and they dealt me in for the next round and I made a point of ignoring the Vulcan playing chess in the corner without me. 

**** 

Uhura and three security officers joined me as we beamed down to the Starbase to collect the envoy. She was my communications officer and good at this diplomacy shit, but there was still a lot of tension between us. 

As we were led down a long hallway, she said, “Captain?” 

“Hmm?” 

“Is there…has something been bothering you the last few days?” 

“Lieutenant?” 

“You don’t seem to be yourself, sir. It’s…well some of the crew has noticed.” 

I stopped short and stared at her. “Some of the crew? If you have something to say, say it.” 

She took a deep breath even as I notice the security guards standing nearby trying to act like they weren’t listening. “You and Spock.” 

“What about us?” 

“Something’s up with you two. You won’t even look at him.” She shook her head. “And he’s…upset.” 

“Spock upset? I doubt it. And if you think there’s an issue between me and Spock you should ask your boyfriend.” 

Uhura looked startled. “What? Captain—” 

“You know what? This is stupid. We’re here to get an envoy not talk about non-issues. Drop it.” I turned on my heels and headed down the hallway with Uhura and the security officers hurrying behind me. 

We entered the lobby area of the Starbase where we’d been told the envoy, Senator Wharton waited. I saw a man in robes standing with several guards and assumed he must be who we were there to fetch. 

I was only a few feet away when I was suddenly flung to the ground and a great weight crushed me just before a knife stabbed into me again and again, the pain stole my breath. 

“Captain!” Uhura screamed. 

Three phasers hit my attacker at once and then a guard pulled the dead man off me. Uhura knelt beside me, her fingers covered in blood, _my_ blood, as she touched me. I just stared at her. 

She flipped open her communicator. “Uhura to Enterprise. Spock?” 

“Nyota?” 

“Spock, you have to beam us up now. Right to sickbay,” she sounded almost hysterical and I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t really feel pain. Not anymore. “It’s Kirk. He’s been stabbed.” 

If there was a response from Spock I didn’t hear it as I started to shake all over. 

“Captain! You have to stay with me. Look at me. Jim, look in my eyes. Come on, you can do it,” Uhura demanded. 

 _Spock, help me. Please_. I didn’t even think I said the words out loud. My eyes closed even as I heard Uhura plead for me not to. Everything went dark.


	9. Chapter 9

_Captain._

_Spock? Spock, is that you?_

_Yes, Jim._

_Are you, are you in my head?_

_I am._

_Why? What's happened? I can feel you._

_Yes. I am mind melding to you._

_Why?_

_You are in sickbay, Captain. Dr. McCoy is working on you._

_Am I—_

_No! You are not. You will not. I will not allow it._

_Spock._

_I should have been with you. I could have prevented it._

_No. You’re not at fault. I am. I should have been more careful. Just striding in there with all my arrogance without even paying attention to what’s around me. I know better. Or I should. The universe is always out to kick my ass._

_No, Captain. I promised you would not be harmed again. I have failed you._

_Spock, it’s all right. And can you ease up on the remorse a bit? It’s kind of powerful._

_I am sorry, Jim. I am trying to control it._

_S ’okay. I’m glad you’re here. I miss you._

_I miss you, Captain._

_Yeah? I’m sorry. I hate not talking to you. It’s like I can’t breathe when you’re not with me. I hate it. Can we be friends again, Spock?_

_I am, and always shall be, your friend._

_Hey, that’s cool. That’s kinda what the old you said. We’re supposed to have this great friendship, you know._

_I do know._

_Good, so, you’ll stop playing chess with other people, right?_

_Yes, Jim. You should be calm. I want you to just let your mind be held by mine. Do not think too much._

_You feel good in here. Warm and kind of…sweet._

_Sweet?_

_Yes. It feels like…love._

_Shh. No more thinking, Captain. You need to rest. Sleep._

_Sleep?_

_Yes, Jim. Go to sleep now._

_****_

“Holy shit, you scared the crap out of me,” I gasped as I woke to find Bones face only inches away from mine. 

“Well, then we’re even. Jesus, kid, you have to stop dying.” He took out a scanner and started moving it around me. 

I frowned and blinked. “Did I die again?” 

“No. But it was close. The bastard missed your heart but only by inches. If it weren’t for Spock, I’m not sure you would have made it.” 

“The mind meld?” 

Bones’ face showed his surprise. “Yeah. You know about that?” 

“I sort of remember something. It’s a little fuzzy though.” 

“I’m pretty sure you aren’t going anywhere without a Vulcan body guard from now on, Jim.” 

I smiled a little. “Yeah?” 

“Spock was pretty frantic,” Bones told me. “Well, frantic for him. Which I think means he moved a few extra facial muscles.” 

“Damage?” 

“Your left lung was punctured and he got your liver but I’ve patched you up pretty good. You lost some more blood, had to do another transfusion.” 

I nodded slowly. “Does that mean the Khan blood is being diluted?” 

Bones shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know. If you’d been anyone else with anyone else’s blood in you, I’m not sure you would have made it, Jim. When you got here, you were pretty close to death. I think Uhura thought you were there.” 

“How long will I be off duty?” 

‘Honestly, I’d like you off six weeks.” 

“Six weeks? What the fuck? Bones—” 

“Calm yourself, kid,” Bones said in a rush. “I said I’d _like_ to have you off that long. I know with you that isn’t going to happen. So I want you off a week. I think you’re well enough to leave sickbay tomorrow, and you can maybe do some reports and work from you quarters, but no bridge and no wandering around the ship. And definitely no gym for several weeks. I don’t want you re-tearing anything.” 

I smiled. “Thanks, Bones.” 

Bones looked up, toward the door. “Speak of the devil.” 

I turned my head to look and saw Spock standing there. I smiled. “Hey.” 

“Captain.” 

Bones straightened and jabbed me in the neck with a hypospray. 

“Ouch!” 

“Oh quit bitchin’. I’ll leave you two alone,” Bones said, eying Spock. “Don’t get him all riled up.” 

Spock looked perplexed. “Of course not, doctor.” 

After Bones disappeared through the door, Spock came to stand next to my biobed. “I forgot to ask Bones. How long have I been out?” 

“Five days. We are orbiting Ceti Alpha Three. We brought the envoy here yesterday.” 

I nodded. “And my attacker?” 

“Security killed him, Captain. We were unable to question him to learn a motive.” 

I could tell Spock most definitely disapproved of this. “Killed him? Phasers weren't on stun?” 

“No, Captain. Apparently when the attacker stabbed you security changed the settings of their phasers.” 

“Great. I want to see them.” 

“They have already been reprimanded, sir.” 

“Okay. Still.” I blew out a breath. It was a general rule of Starfleet to have phasers on stun, but there were exceptions. “I just would have liked to know a motive. If he was working for someone.” 

Spock nodded. “We questioned several witnesses on Starbase Twelve but no one seemed to know your attacker.” 

“For now, I guess we’ll have to deal with it. But that means I have to be extra vigilant until we know if I have a particular enemy.” 

“Agreed.” 

Neither of us said anything for several seconds, merely staring at each other. It felt very good to see him again. I hadn’t been sure I would get to when I lay on the floor bleeding. 

“You have no ill-effects from the mind meld?” 

“No.” I shook my head. “And thank you. Again. You saved my life.” 

“It is my—” 

“Your duty. I know. I appreciate it anyway.” 

Spock gave a slight nod. “I should let you rest, Captain.” 

“I am kind of tired.” 

He was almost out the door. 

“Spock?” 

He turned to face me. “Yes, Captain?” 

I smiled. “I’m glad you don’t hate me.” 

“I could never hate you.’ And then he was gone out of sickbay.


	10. Chapter 10

When I woke in my bed in my quarters, Spock sat next to me on the bed. I blinked the sleep away. I’d been released by Bones earlier that day, but I’d immediately gone to sleep when a nurse had escorted me to my quarters. 

“Spock.” 

“I did not intend to wake you.” 

“You didn’t. Or I don’t think you did.” I shook my groggy head. “I feel a little out of it.” 

“No doubt from the hyposprays Dr. McCoy must have stuck you with.” 

“No doubt.” I smiled. He looked so good sitting on the edge of my bed I couldn’t help but probably have the world’s goofiest smile on my face. “How long have you been here?” 

“Not long. I wanted to ascertain your state of well-being.” 

I laughed. “That was a mouthful.” 

“I went to sickbay but was informed you had been released.” Spock’s eyes darkened. “Prematurely, I believe.” 

“You think I should still be stuck in sickbay?” 

He nodded gravely. 

“I’m fine, you know.” 

He said nothing, just stared at me intently. And God, I wanted to kiss him again. It was insane to want this. But I did. Badly. And before I could really think too hard about it I reached up to fist his blue uniform shirt and pull him down so that I could fasten my lips to his. They were just as soft, warm, and intoxicating as before. And as unyielding. It was like kissing a statue of Spock. I released my grip on his shirt immediately and let my head drop to the pillow. 

“I’m sorry,” I said, my throat closing in misery, my face flushed with embarrassment. “God, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I keep doing that. You should-you can leave if you want.” 

Spock inclined his head. “Captain.” 

I couldn’t look at him. “Yeah?” 

“Why did you kiss me?” 

“I—I don’t know.”

“For what purpose?” Spock pressed. 

I closed my eyes and shook my head and before I could open my mouth and make a further idiot out of myself, Spock shifted on the bed and then he was lying next to me. My eyes flew open just as his mouth covered mine in a searing, hot, almost brutal kiss. 

 _Fuck_. 

Spock kissing back was…oh fuck. I fisted his shirt again, pulling him close and opening my mouth as his tongue slid inside. His hands framed my face and I moaned against him, my cock hardening. 

And then suddenly his lips were gone, leaving me bereft and staring at him in shock. 

“Captain—” 

“You just had your tongue in my mouth, Spock, call me Jim,” I said, aware I sounded irritated. 

His face looked a little flushed. ”Jim. You are injured.” 

“I’m healing fast.” 

“Perhaps. I still believe it is unwise to engage in such activities in the state you are in.” 

I huffed out a breath. “The state I am in is aroused, Spock.” 

He visibly swallowed. “I am aware. I am not unaffected myself.” 

“Oh, yeah?” I reached between our bodies to close my fingers over the prominent bulge in his crotch. “Ah geez.” 

“Captain,” Spock said in a pained voice. 

I closed my eyes and pushed against him. “God, I love that. It makes me so hot when you say Captain in that breathy little voice.” 

“We are not going to have intercourse,” Spock said firmly. 

“Ah, come on. I’ve been waiting for this forever.” 

“Pouting will not get your way. And may I point out that it should be worth the wait for us to establish that you are fully healed. I will not injure you.” 

“Grrr.” 

“Your safety and well-being is—” 

“Your duty, I know.” 

He stared at me intently. “I was going to say of utmost importance to me.” 

“Oh.” And my insides turned all mushy and my heart hammered in my chest. I stared at his lips. “Then maybe we can just do a lot of kissing?” 

Spock seemed to consider it before once more lowering his lips to mine. God, he was a fucking awesome kisser when he actually participated. I wrapped my legs around him tugging him closer and looped my arms around his neck. I was rock hard and I rubbed against him. 

“Jim.” He immediately stopped kissing me and I groaned in frustration. “It appears we will not be able to kiss.” 

“Why not?” 

“It is affecting us too much. Your injuries.” 

“Well, fine. That’s just fine,” I said in a tone meant to convey it was definitely not fine. “Can you at least lay here for a while and cuddle with me?” 

He nodded. “That would be acceptable.” 

Spock shifted a little so that I was laying on him with my head resting on his shoulder. I sighed in contentment. Well, relative contentment considering I really want to fuck. His fingers stroked my head and then--- 

“Oh shit, oh shit,” I exclaimed, straightening up and pushing on him. “We can’t do this.” 

“Jim, calm yourself.” 

I shook my head. “You and Uhura! I can’t be cuddling with someone else’s boyfriend.” 

He flattened me on my back in one swift movement and held me down. “You will calm yourself or I will call for Dr. McCoy, Captain.” 

“But Spock—” 

“Nyota and I terminated our relationship,” Spock said very carefully. 

“You---oh.” I stared at him, my heart still pounding. I blinked. “When?” 

“Do I need to get the doctor?” 

“No. I’m calm.” 

“Right after we returned from Herhen.” 

“What? Wait, what? That long ago?” 

Spock nodded. “I became aware that Nyota and I were meant to only be friends.” 

“Then, well, you were in her room. After.” 

He raised an eyebrow at me. “Have you been spying on me, Captain?” 

I blushed. “No. I, well, I wanted to talk to you and I asked the computer where you were.” 

“Nyota and I remain friends, Jim. We often share meals in her quarters.” 

“Okay. All that’s fine. But then…when I kissed you before—” 

“When you were intoxicated.” 

“I wasn’t that drunk, Spock.” 

“You should have a clear head and know fully what you are engaging in. I did not wish you to have regrets.” 

I sighed. “You don’t have to be all Vulcany and reasonable.” 

Spock looked perplexed again. “Yes, I do.” He lay next to me and pulled me close. “I did not know you were unaware of our ended relationship.” 

“I definitely was unaware.” I bit my lip. “Herhen? What happened on Herhen? Sometimes, it was like I could…I don’t know, feel your emotions? But now it is gone.” 

“Jim, when I was unconscious on Herhen and you touched my face you formed a…link between us.” 

I frowned. “A link?” 

He nodded solemnly. “You linked our minds.” 

“But…I am not a telepath. How could I do that?” 

“I suspect, but do not know for certain, that my mind recognized how attuned our minds were to each other and reached out toward yours. So more accurately my mind linked with yours.”

“So that’s why I could get your emotions? But why not now?” I touched his face. “I’m touching you but nothing.” 

“I am shielding now. I did not before.” 

“Shielding? Why?” 

Spock angled to kiss the fingers that were on his face. “I determined you might not yet be ready to be linked with me. Until I had a chance to explain everything and learn how you felt about it I thought it would be wise to keep my mental shields up.” 

“I’m a little confused.” 

“I am sure. But unfortunately, I have to return to duty and you must rest.” 

“Spock.” 

“Jim, the ship cannot run itself and I really do need to return to the bridge. And I want you to sleep. Your eyelids are getting heavy.” 

I made a face. “I don’t want to go to sleep. Bad dreams.” 

Spock sat up. “I will help you, Jim. Trust me.” He stroked my forehead. “Sleep. When I return I will see that you eat.” 

“I don’t need a nursemaid.” 

“Indeed.” His lips were almost curved into a smile. “Close your eyes.” 

I did as he said and the felt his fingers on my face. 

“Sleep.”   

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

When I next woke up I was still alone. Sighing, I swung my legs out of bed and stood. I took a quick shower being careful not to get too much water on my bandages, and then I came back into my still quiet and empty quarters. I dressed in my regular uniform pants and undershirt but didn’t pull on the boots or my gold shirt. 

Man being laid up sucked. I wanted to be on the bridge with the action. With Spock. 

I got a cup of coffee and a salad from the replicator and turned on my terminal. I smiled when I saw I had a message from Ambassador Spock. 

A few minutes later and his old, wizened face appeared before me. “Jim, I am gratified to see you are well and as humans would say…on the mend.” 

“You heard?” 

“News travels fast plus as before I felt that you were injured. I had left a message for my young counterpart to learn of your condition but he has not gotten back to me,” Ambassador Spock explained. 

“He’s busy running my ship.” 

“You are displeased by this?” 

“Of course. I should be there on the bridge.” 

The ambassador nodded. “I suspected that would be how you felt. You are lucky though to have made it once again, old friend.” 

 “I know.” 

“And they know nothing about the motive for the attack?” 

“Apparently not.” I sighed. “I guess I’m just a popular guy.” I was getting impatient waiting for Spock…my Spock…and I had a Spock in front of me, after all. “Hey, can I ask you something?” 

“You know you can.” 

“What can you tell me about two minds being linked?” 

The ambassador frowned. “Like a mind meld?” 

“No.” I shook my head. “Spock said when we were on Herhen that our minds created a link.”

His eyes widened. “You are bonded?” 

“Bonded?” 

“What I told you before about me and my Jim Kirk. About being bondmates. If your mind has joined with Spock’s you have bonded, Jim.” 

“Bondmates,” I repeated. “Like…like a couple? Like a _married_ couple?” 

He nodded. “Essentially. The formal bonding ceremony has not taken place, but that is a formality if your bond has already been created in your minds.” 

“Holy shit.” I wiped my hand over my face. From yearning for Spock to being his husband? It couldn’t be. “Why…why didn’t he tell me this?” 

“What has he told you?” the elder Spock asked gently. 

“Just that our minds were attuned and formed a link.” I bit my lip. “And then he had to go back on duty.” 

“I suspect he will tell you more when given the chance.” 

“But wait, he’s known about this for weeks, why didn’t he tell me before?” 

“I do not know, Jim.” 

Something unpleasant occurred to me. I didn’t want to think about it. “So, um, if…if one person in the bond really wants the other but the other one does not, can the bond be formed anyway?” 

“I am not sure I understand the question.” 

I huffed out a frustrated breath. “Say the bonded pair are just friends but one of them wanted to be more. For a long time. And when the friend was injured, unconscious actually, the friend who wanted more touched his mind and created a link between you. But it wasn’t something that would have happened otherwise because…because he was already with someone else.” 

He was silent for a long time, but finally he conceded, “That is perhaps possible but highly unlikely. But Jim---” 

I had stopped listening because of course it was possible. It had happened. I had forced a bond on Spock and he never would have ended things with Uhura if I hadn’t. He didn’t want me, not really, he just felt obligated to be with me because of this Vulcan mind thing. I was an idiot. And a selfish jackass besides. 

“Jim?” 

I blinked and looked at the screen. I forced a smile like I often did when I was dying inside. “Hey, you know, I’m getting kind of tired again. Can we talk again later?” 

The ambassador looked ready to argue but he nodded. “Live long and prosper.” 

I cut off the screen and sat back in my chair. I thought about it and it all fell into place for me. Spock hadn’t even given me any indication he wanted anything other than friendship with me prior to the link thing. And when I had kissed him that first time he clearly had been startled by it and had found it unwelcome. Sure, he’d been forced to break up with Uhura, but he’d been still trying to reconcile having to have me as a bondmate. Now he had resigned himself to it. 

Well, hell. I hated the way this made me feel. I had chosen Spock but he hadn’t chosen me. Never would have. 

Sighing, I forced myself to eat the salad I’d gotten only because Bones would bitch at me if I didn’t eat something but it tasted like nothing to me. I tried doing reports but the words just blurred in front of my eyes until I gave up even thinking I could concentrate on anything other than Spock. 

I was staring at my PADD when my door chimed. Tiredly I wiped my face. “Enter.” 

As though I conjured him, Spock stepped into my quarters. 

“We’re bonded?” I blurted out. 

He stiffened immediately. “How did…my counterpart.” His lips thinned. 

I nodded. “So it’s true?” 

“I would have explained all of this if you had simply waited for me. And trusted me to explain it.” He was clearly not happy with me. His dark eyes were furious. 

“You-you weren’t here and I wanted to know.” 

“But you knew I would return and we would speak of our link. I was on duty.” 

“I didn’t want to wait.” 

He looked even angrier if that were possible. “You should have waited for me. _He_ is not _me_.”

“Yes, but—” 

“No,” he said sharply. “You trust him more than you trust me. I am the one who is with you. I am the one here by your side, and yet always you go to him.” 

I winced because, well, maybe it was true. Partially. 

He straightened, arms locked behind his back. “Just once I would like to be the one you come to instead of Dr. McCoy or Ambassador Spock. I wish to be the one you trust.” 

My throat closed. I didn’t even know I’d been hurting him with this and now I felt about a foot tall. 

“I’m sorry,” I said, knowing even as I said it, it sounded lame and not nearly enough. 

“You are always sorry.” He turned and left my quarters and I just kept staring at the door wishing it would open again and he’d return to me. 

**** 

“You don’t look so good,” Bones said when I walked into sickbay for my re-check. 

“I’m fine.” 

“I’ll be the judge of that. On the table.” I sat on the table while he pulled off my shirt and examined me. “Well everything looks like it’s healing. No pain?” 

“No.” 

“You don’t have a fever. How about when you breath? Any pain or discomfort.” 

“No, nothing.” 

“Than what is it?” He frowned. “You look like you lost your best friend.” 

I tried not to wince. “Nothing, Bones. Okay?” 

“Talk to me.” 

And do what I always do, I thought. Confide in Bones and not Spock? Isn’t that what he was complaining about? 

I shook my head. “I’m just antsy because I’m bored and off duty. It’s really nothing.” 

He let me stand up. “Okay, well, you still need to wait a few more days before I will clear you for duty. Got that?”

“Yeah. Am I free to go now?” 

Bones frowned, but nodded. 

I left sickbay and was heading down the corridor to the turbo lift when the ship rumbled and tilted. I slid across to the other wall and then back again before it straightened. 

 _What the fuck_? 

I hit the comm on the wall. “Kirk to the bridge.” 

“Bridge here, Captain,” Uhura said. 

“What was that, lieutenant?” 

“We were just attacked by a Klingon war bird, sir.” 

“I’m on my way. Raise shields. Go to red alert.” 

The lights around me began to flash red as well as the sounds of the alarm wailing as  Uhura announced battle stations. 

I hurried to the turbo lift. 

“Status,” I said as soon as the doors opened on the bridge. 

Spock stood up from my chair. “The bird of prey just appeared out of nowhere, Captain. Before we could act they opened fire.” 

“What the hell are Klingons attacking a Federation starship for?” In the back of my head I heard Admiral Marcus saying, _“War is coming, Kirk, and who’s going to lead them? You?”_  

Just as I reached the chair the ship was hit with another phaser blast and Spock reached out to hold onto me to prevent me from flying across the ship. Our gazes met briefly before he released me and I sat down. 

“Shields at eighty percent, sir,” Sulu announced. 

“Arm phasers, Lieutenant,” I told him. 

“Arming phasers, Captain.” 

“Uhura, let Starfleet know what’s going on.” 

“Already on it, Captain.” 

“Any ideas why they attacked, Spock?” I asked, looking to Spock who had gone to his station. 

“None that make sense, Captain.” 

The turbo lift opened and Bones appeared. 

“Jim, you’re supposed to be off duty. And what the hell is going on?” 

“I can’t be off duty while we’re being attacked. Sulu, fire phasers.” 

“You’re not actually gonna fire on a Klingon warship, are you?” Bones asked, his eyes wide. 

“They fired on us first.” 

“Aye, Captain,” Sulu said, firing phasers at the Klingon ship. After the direct hit, Sulu said, “Their shields are at sixty percent, sir.” 

“Can you get us out of here? We’re sitting ducks if another Klingon ship shows up to help its buddy.” 

I saw a flash of light coming from their ship and braced for impact as another load of phasers hit the Enterprise. 

“Warp drive is down, sir,” Sulu said. “Shields at sixty-five percent.” 

I slammed the comm on my chair. “Kirk to engineering.” 

“Scott here.” 

“Scotty, where the hell is my warp?” 

“Warm was damaged by that second blast, Captain. We’re working on it now.” 

”How soon?” 

“Not sure. Several min—” 

“I don’t have that kind of time, Scotty. I need it now.” 

“Captain—“ 

“Fire phasers again, Sulu."

“Firing phasers.” 

“Uhura? Any word from Starfleet?” 

“They recommend disengaging and heading for the nearest starbase,” she said. “And they want to speak to you when the ship has escaped the Klingons, sir.” 

“Scotty?” 

“A few more minutes, Captain.” 

I clenched my jaw just as another blast of light came from the Klingon ship. The ship shook and tilted. Crewmen went flying across the bridge. I glanced back toward Spock to see if he was all right and saw that he was also looking at me. Swallowing, I stood up and went to his seat. 

“Spock.” 

“Captain.” 

“If we don’t get out of this---” 

“Jim. We will.” 

“I just---” 

“We will, Jim.” 

I nodded, reminded of the time on the Narada I said much the same thing to him. I was glad of his reassurance. I went back to my chair. 

“Scotty?” 

“Just a few more.” 

“Sulu, arm photon torpedoes.” 

Sulu straightened in his seat. “Aye, Captain.” 

“Photon?” Bones repeated. “Are you crazy?” 

“We don’t want to take the chance they’ll pursue us. You have a better idea, Bones? I’d love to hear it.” 

That shut him up as I knew it would. Bones was a great doctor but he knew absolutely nothing about command. 

“Fire, Sulu.” 

“Aye, sir.” He pulled the lever and the torpedoes hit the Klingon ship. It lurched to the side, looking disabled. 

“Scotty?” 

“I’ve got it back, Captain, but it’s not at full---” 

“Good enough. Can you give me warp six?” 

“Better at warp four.” 

“Noted. Sulu, Warp six. Get us out of here.” 

“Warp six, Captain.” And warp kicked in speeding us away from the Klingons. 

 


	12. Chapter 12

_Captain’s Log Stardate 2387.5_

_We’ve reached Starbase Five and the Enterprise is undergoing repairs for damage done during the attack by a Klingon Bird of Prey war ship. Two hundred crewmembers injured, five dead. We’ll be docked at the Starbase for three days while the repairs are done._

“Kirk, you look like you are recovering well from your injuries,” Admiral Womack of Starfleet spoke to me from the terminal in my quarters. 

“Yes, sir. McCoy is the best there is.” 

Womack nodded. “I suppose he has to be with your ship. So far the Klingons are claiming that the ship that attacked you were renegades and had absolutely no connection to the greater empire.” 

“I suspected they might, Admiral.” 

“Yes. But as you know rumors they are preparing for war with the Federation have been circulating for some time. At present we are watching the situation and are advising all starships to remain on alert.” The admiral paused. “One more thing, Kirk.” 

“Sir?” 

“Classified information. An autopsy was done on the man who attacked you on Starbase Twelve,” Womack said. “He was half Klingon.” 

“I see, Admiral. So, the Klingons are out to get me?” 

“It would seem that is a possibility. I’ll keep apprised of things here. I recommend you and the Enterprise remain on particular alert, Captain.” 

‘We will, Admiral.” 

“Womack out.” 

And the screen went blank. 

Bones had cleared me for duty again, but of course with the ship in the dock for repairs there was no need for Bridge duty and I was bored out of my head. I had reports to catch up on. Lots of those. 

What I really wanted to do was talk with Spock, but so far he’d been rather avoiding me while pretending he was not. I’d seen him on the starbase dining with Uhura earlier in the day. It reminded me of what had troubled me prior to the Klingon attack. Our so-called bond. A bond I was still convinced Spock hadn’t really wanted but he had accepted. I’d never had trouble being open with my attraction to both females and males, but I suspected that before I’d accidentally linked our minds, Spock had been firmly heterosexual. I could only imagine what he must be thinking about having a male bondmate. 

The comm outside my door binged and I really hoped it would be Spock. But somehow I knew it wasn’t even before I said, “Enter”, and Bones strode in. 

I smiled. “Hey.” 

“You hiding in here, kid?” He sank down in the chair across from me. 

“Only kind of. I just got done talking to Womack.” 

“What he have to say?” 

“Klingon Empire denies all. Stay on alert.” 

Bones snorted. “That’s helpful. When was the last time you ate?” 

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I think I had a muffin or something.” 

“Sure you did. Why don’t you come down to the base and we’ll grab something?” 

I grimaced. “Can’t we just eat here?” 

“You really are hiding.” 

“Maybe. I just…I don’t know. I don’t feel like wandering around, talking to people, getting stopped by people on the base to pick my brain. Stuff like that. That’s all I got when I was down there earlier.” 

Bones smiled wryly. “Well, you are something of a celebrity.” 

“Yeah, well, I never wanted celebrity.” I turned to the replicator. “Fortunately these work even in dock. What do you want?” 

“Why don’t we have a couple of hamburgers and fries?” Bones suggested. 

I grinned. “Now that sounds good.” I got the food and handed him his plate and put mine in front of me. 

“Are you really dodging people on the base or perhaps a member of your own crew?” Bones asked quietly after we’d each taken a few bites. 

I didn’t look at him when I answered. “Now who would I be avoiding? Or dodging as you say?” 

“The pointy-eared bastard.” 

“Why would I do that?’’ 

Bones shrugged. “Something’s going on between you two. One minute you’re acting like the closest of friends and the next you act like you barely tolerate each other.” 

“I’m sure it’s not that bad,” I protested. 

“Sure.” Bones popped a fry into his mouth. "So I didn’t see you hightail it out of the restaurant earlier when you spotted Spock eating with Uhura?” 

“What? No. No way. I didn’t even see them. Were they there?” 

Bones rolled his eyes. “Okay. Whatever. That doesn’t mean they’re getting back together, you know.” 

My gut twisted and I was pretty sure my heart plummeted. “Back together?” Hell, I hadn’t even thought about _that_. Spock had told me he was still friends with Nyota and that they still shared meals. He wouldn’t do that to me, would he? Except he didn’t want our bond, I was sure, and he was pissed at me for talking to the elder him. My thoughts were fucked up. “Did they look…cozy?” 

He gave me a funny look. “Spock look cozy with anyone?” 

“Well, yeah, you have a point.” 

“Besides, Jim, I said it didn’t mean they were getting back together.” He shrugged. “But what if they do? Would that be so bad? He needs someone to keep him human.” 

I wanted to shout that it would be terrible, but how would I explain to Bones about Spock and me? If there was a Spock and me. I wasn’t ready to expose all that raw pain to Bones or anyone really. So I just smiled and shrugged and took another bite of my hamburger. 

**** 

After Bones left I spent the rest of the day, hours really, doing reports, reading messages, conducting all kinds of Starfleet business required by my position as captain. I had never guessed there were so many reports and regulations and endless red tape when I had been promoted to captain. 

I went through I don’t know how many cups of coffee. I had received a little bell telling me I had a message from Ambassador Spock but I had decided to ignore it for the moment. I’d get back to him tomorrow. For now dealing with any Spock hurt too much. 

Finally when my tired eyes couldn’t take it anymore, I put down the PADD. I hadn’t quite finished everything, but it had been close. I sat behind my desk and stared across the room at my bed. The idea of sleep did not comfort me and I was still not allowed to work out at the gym. 

I pulled out my communicator. “Bones, you around?” 

“What’s up, Jim?” 

“Want to, I don’t know, check out the club down on the base?” I didn’t really feel like sulking in my room just then but neither did I want to seek out a certain Vulcan. 

“Now you’re talking,” Bones said. “Meet you in the transporter room in five minutes. 

I’d been wearing my uniform so I undressed and changed to jeans and a red T-shirt. By the time I entered the transporter room Bones was there as was Scotty. 

“Look who I recruited to join us,” Bones said with a big grin. 

“The more the merrier.” We stepped onto the pads. “Energize.” 

The club was pretty crowded and very loud with music pumping throughout but Bones made a beeline for the bar and managed to nab us three stools next to each other. Both Bones and Scotty had huge grins on their faces like they were happy to be there. I just wanted to drink myself into oblivion. 

I was seriously wishing they had Romulan ale, but knowing it was illegal it was highly unlikely, so I said, “An Orion Blitz. Make that two.” 

Bones shot me a quick glance. “You don’t mess around.” 

I shrugged. 

“Cardassian Sunrise.” 

“Your best Scotch,” Scotty said. 

Our drinks were plunked in front of us and the three of us turned to survey the crowd. 

“Lots of pretty girls,” Bones commented. He looked at me. “Hoping to get lucky, Jim?” 

While I would love to, I also couldn’t really get the idea out of my head that Spock and I were sort of…kind of…married. Like I could tell Bones that. 

“Maybe.” I opted for noncommittal instead and took a large swallow of the Orion Blitz. “You see something you like, Bones, go for it.” 

A pink-skinned alien woman came dashing up to Scotty and asked him to dance. Scotty turned a little red but allowed himself to be dragged to the dance floor. 

“One down,” Bones announced gleefully. 

Speaking of one down, I put the empty glass down and picked up the next Orion Blitz. I also caught the eye of the bartender and held up two fingers. 

Bones frowned. “You do remember you’re just getting over being injured, right?” 

“Ah, fuck that, Bones. You’re here as my friend not my damn doctor and definitely not my fucking nursemaid.” I swallowed back half the second Blitz. It burned my throat as it slid down but I welcomed it and I welcomed the dullness that already permeated my body. 

“Take it easy, kid.” 

I finished the drink and reached behind me for the third the bartender had just placed there. Bones hadn’t even finished his first drink. 

“Hey cutie,” an Andorian woman with blue skin and antennae came up to Bones. “Wanna dance?” 

Bones looked reluctantly at me but I waved him away as I downed the third drink. “Go on, I’m fine.” 

Shortly after that I was approached by another Starfleet officer but I declined telling her, “I’m with someone.” 

I was finishing my fifth Blitz when an Orion female sidled up to me. 

“Hey, sexy, I can’t believe you’re sitting here all alone.” 

The alcohol had loosened my tongue. “Yeah, me either.” 

She put her hand on my leg. “I have a room in the hotel just a few steps from here.” 

I stared at her, my vision blurring. “Is that right?” 

“Uh-huh.” She moved her hand until her fingers were mere inches from my crotch. “It has a really big bed.”

“I am afraid he will have to decline.” 

I blinked and saw Spock standing very close to me, his posture straight and rigid. “S-Spock?” 

“Captain.” He glared down at her hands still on my leg. “He is needed on the Enterprise. You must remove your hand.” 

She stared wide-eyed at him. “Oh. Um. Of course.” She removed her hand quickly. “Sorry, I didn’t know he had a boyfriend.” 

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I said, my words sounding slurred. “He’s my husband.” 

Her eyes looked like they would pop out of her head and she said, “Sorry,” before rushing away. 

“You are intoxicated.” 

“No shit.” I slammed down the empty glass of my fifth Blitz and went to grab the sixth. But he pushed it away from me before my hand got coordinated enough to grab it. 

“You have had enough, Captain.” 

“No.” I shook my head which was kind of a mistake because the room swayed. “I can still feel.” 

His hand closed around my arm. “Come. I am taking you back to the Enterprise.” 

“But—” 

He was too strong for me to fight, especially as wasted as I was, so I allowed him to pull me from the bar and out of the club. 

I stopped. “I don’t feel so good.” 

“You will not get sick,” he said coolly. 

“How’d you find me?” 

Spock began tugging me along again. “Dr. McCoy alerted me to your condition.” 

“Stupid Bones.” 

“At present it is your intelligence I question, Captain.” He pushed me through the doors of the base’s transporter room. He spoke to the person manning the controls. “Two to beam up to the Starship, Enterprise.”

We re-materialized on the Enterprise and Spock began to pull me to my quarters. 

“I can walk, you know.” 

“Very well.” He released his grip on my arm. I swayed and then stumbled into him. “You appear to be having difficulty." 

“Fine. I’m a little drunk.” 

“You are extremely drunk, sir. If you will allow me to continue escorting you to your quarters.” 

“Yes. All right.” But I was not at all happy about it as he maneuvered me into a turbo lift. “How come you aren’t with her?” 

“Her?” 

“You-you know who. _Her_.” 

His haw clenched. “You are trying my patience greatly.” 

“Yeah? Well good. I like to get a rise out of you.” 

The turbo lift stopped and opened and we maintained our march toward my quarters. He punched in my code, which I stared at his hands as he did so. 

“Hey, how’d you---” 

He pushed me inside and the door closed behind us. “Were you going to go with that Orion woman to her hotel?” 

“What?” I blinked and swayed again. 

“Were you going to go to her hotel and her really big bed?” 

I scowled. ”No.” 

“You were not?” 

“No, Sp-Spock. I wasn’t there to get laid.” 

“Why were you there?” 

“To forget. To stop feeling like this.” 

“Like what?” 

I clenched my eyes shut. “Like I’m going to die if I’m not with you.” 

 


	13. Chapter 13

When I opened my eyes, the look on Spock’s face was one of extreme gentleness and tenderness. I blinked wondering if I was really seeing what I thought or if my alcohol fueled brain was messing with me and making me see something I wanted to see. He stepped close to me and this time, instead of grabbing my arm, he took my hand in his. I couldn’t really focus much but I was pretty sure for Vulcans who were so into hands that holding mine said a lot for Spock. 

“You need to sit, Jim. Come.” And he led me very slowly to the bed and pushed me down with care. He knelt on the floor before me and touched my right leg. “Let me remove your shoes.” 

I stared down at him as he removed first one and then the other. “Are you taking care of me?” 

“It appears that way.” He took my socks off next and put them with the shoes he had set off to the side. “You called me your husband.” 

I ducked my head, feeling suddenly shy. “Yeah. Is that not right?” 

He nodded. “It is, basically. I would refer to you as my bondmate, but it is much the same. You may use whatever term you wish.” 

My head was still swimming and the room was spinning a bit, but I felt like I needed to say this. Try anyway. “I’m sorry I asked the ambassador about our link…our bond. I was just…I was confused and we were already talking.” 

Spock rose and had me lay on my back on the bed. He reached for the fastenings on my jeans. “I remembered something.” 

“Oh?” 

“You do not have a great deal of patience in most matters.” 

“S’true.” 

Spock pulled my jeans off my legs and cast them aside leaving me in only my briefs and T-shirt. “I have accepted this about you, Jim.” 

“Does that mean you forgive me?" 

“Yes.” 

“We sh-should talk.” I reached up to hold my head with a moan. 

“You are distressed? 

“The room’s moving.” 

Spock looked vaguely amused. “I am afraid we will have to postpone any further discussion.” 

I licked my lips. “Well, ‘kay. But what about the sex?” 

“That will also have to wait.” 

“Spock!” 

“Captain.” 

I closed my eyes. “Fine. I don’t think I can argue you with you.” 

“That surely must be a first.” 

I opened one eye. “You are far too amused for a Vulcan.” 

He leaned down and pressed a too chaste kiss on my lips. “Go to sleep, Jim.” 

“Night, Spock.” 

“Good night.” 

**** 

_“If you don’t care about yourself, perhaps you will care about your crew.”_

_“What have you done?” I demanded, fear squeezing my heart._

_Khan smiled wolfishly. “Or more precise, perhaps one crew member in particular.” He moved aside to show Spock behind him on his knees, his hands tied behind his back. His face is battered and bruised and already caked with green blood._

_I stared. Only sheer willpower kept me from collapsing to the ground in a fetal position, giving up my sanity._

_“You bastard!” I clenched my fists. “Let him go. This is about you and me. Leave him out of this.”_

_“Where would the fun in that be, Kirk?” He grabbed Spock’s hair and held a phaser to his head._

_“No, don’t. Please,” I was begging, desperate. My throat closed, my head pounded, and my heart threatened to shatter into a million tiny pieces._

_“Jim,” Spock said._

_Khan grinned and pulled the trigger._

_“No! No! God!” My knees gave out and kept screaming as I fell to the ground._  

“Jim! Wake up. Jim!” 

I gasped, coming away instantly as Spock shook me. I made a sort of strangled sound and then Spock pulled me close and I wrapped my arms around his middle and buried my face in his neck. I shook with my sobs. 

“It is all right, Jim. You are here. You are safe,” he soothed, holding me very close as he sat on the bed. 

“God, God, it was…it was.” 

“Was it the creature on Delta Vega again?” 

I shook my head. “Worse. Much worse.” I clung to him, aware I was soaking him with my tears, but I had to feel him. Had to know he was not dead. 

And then the red light flared in my mind, warmth and affection flowing from it, comfort and caring. It closed itself around me, caring for me. 

“This is you I feel, right?” 

“Yes. I unshielded.” He stroked my hair. “I will keep you safe.” 

“It felt so real.” 

“It was not, T’hy’la.” 

I pulled back a little to look at him. “That word. The ambassador used it about his Jim Kirk.” 

Spock nodded. “That does not surprise me.” His thumb brushed over a tear on my cheek. “Do you wish to tell me about it?” 

“I don’t know if I can,” I admitted. “Did I make a lot of noise? How did you know I was dreaming?” 

“I have been here all along, Jim. I was working at your desk while you slept.” He raised his eyebrow. “Considering your condition I did not wish to leave you alone.” 

My throat clogged all over again and I smiled a little. “Thanks. But God, that dream was bad. I’m so sick of dreaming.” 

“You have not been honest with me about your sleep,” Spock said softly. “There have been other dreams besides the Delta Vega one, has there not?” 

I nodded, as I became aware of a throbbing pain in my temples, no doubt as a result of the Orion Blitzes. “Yes. Unless I am drugged by Bones or so exhausted I can’t stand up anymore.” 

“You must not keep such things from me, Jim. Your safety and well-being are very important to me. I have told you this.” 

“Yeah, but that’s not what you wanted.” I tried to pull away from him but he would not let me. “I forced you into this.” 

“Clarify.” 

“The…the bond. I’m the one who linked us or pretty much on Herhen. You were in a relationship with Uhura. You-you never would have ended things with her if it were not for the bond, right?” 

Spock was silent for a while and I decided it was probably because he was analyzing how best to reply with the minimal damage to my feelings. I loved him all the more for it while at the same time it hurt that he had to think carefully over his answer. 

“I admit that I had been unaware of the extreme compatibility of our minds prior to our bond forming,” he said eventually. “However, I held you in the highest regard.” 

“As a friend,” I whispered. “So I am right.” 

He shook his head. “Not entirely. Not in the way you believe, Jim.” 

“What way then?” 

“I was…I am…I find you aesthetically pleasing.” 

“Is that your Vulcan way of saying you are attracted to me?” 

Spock looked even more uncomfortable than usual. “Yes.” 

I processed that. “But basically you’re saying you never would have acted on that if I hadn’t somehow seduced your mind into playing with mine.”

He nodded reluctantly. “I did not know that you shared my regard. From my observations you were firmly interested in female interaction.” 

I couldn’t deny it probably had appeared that way. In fact, I’d thought the same thing of Spock. “Not exclusively, no. But probably more often than not.” 

“Therefore it seemed unwarranted to end a relationship with Nyota, which I found quite satisfactory, for something that would not happen,” Spock explained. 

Unfortunately this all made me feel worse. I’d hoped I had been wrong and that maybe there had been other issues between Spock and Uhura which had worked toward their breakup. But no, it was all _my_ fault. 

“Jim.” Spock took my hands in his. “You are not listening.” 

“Yeah, I am.” 

“No, you are not. I…desired you. I did not believe you returned those feelings. Until our minds linked and I knew that I was not correct.” He squeezed my hands and stared into my eyes intently. “Do you not see? The bond allowed me to realize your thoughts and emotions. Knowing of your regard for me that I returned, I had to end my relationship with Nyota.” 

“But you—” 

“Cared for her. Affirmative. Not the same way I care for you. She is not T’hy’la to me. You said that the ambassador spoke about his bond with his T’hy’la the other Jim Kirk. You must know of its importance to him. To me. It is extremely rare for a Vulcan to have this sort of bond, Jim. I never would have guessed I would be afforded the privilege.” 

I still had a bunch of questions but my head was still pounding and Spock was near and all I could think of was maybe I was wrong and there was more to this bond thing that I had hoped. 

“Your head hurts,” he said, gently stroking my temples. 

“How did you…the bond?” 

“Yes. While I am unshielded and I am touching you I can feel emotions, thoughts, when you are in pain.” 

I frowned. “Will it be the same for me?” 

“Eventually. You are still getting used to the link and may not even be aware of all that will between us. I am also still partially shielding my mind from yours so as not to overwhelm you.” 

“You don’t feel pain when I do, do you?’’ 

“Negative. It is not like that. I am just aware of your distress.” 

I exhaled. “Good.” 

“Do you wish now to tell me of dream?” 

“I—” 

“Jim. I am here.” 

“I know.” I nodded. I did know but the dream was so fresh and still so devastating. “You-Khan killed you.” 

“How?” 

I swallowed. “He came back. Somehow. He was no longer frozen and he and I were fighting. I wouldn’t give in to whatever he wanted and so then he said something about caring what happened to my crew and then he moved so I could see he had you on your knees tied up. He’d already beaten you. There was—was blood on your face and bruising.” I closed my eyes. “And then he put a phaser to your head and shot you. Right in front of me.” 

“I am not dead and I am here with you now,” Spock said very gently. “I know that this dream distressed you, but Khan is not here nor will he ever bother you again. He is right where he is supposed to be and I am right where I am supposed to be…with you. Where I will always be.” 

I couldn’t speak so I just smiled and hugged him and he held me, stroking my hair. We stayed like that for a long time until he gently laid me down on the bed again. 

“Spock—” 

“I am going to get you a glass of water so you are not dehydrated. I will bring you one of Dr. McCoy’s headache pills and then you will sleep while I stay here with you.” 

“I don’t want to sleep.” 

“You will not have a bad dream, Jim. I will ease your mind.” 

I smiled again. “You are very good to me.” 

“You are my t’hy’la,” he said simply. “Nothing and no one is as important to me as you.” 

He rose then to get the water and the pill. I couldn’t remember anyone ever caring for me this way and I couldn’t help wondering if I deserved it. But whether I did or not, I planned to cherish it for as long as it was mine.

 


	14. Chapter 14

I woke up alone, but at least I’d had no dreams and no headache. But my mouth tasted vaguely like sawdust. Spock had said he would stay with me so I wondered how long ago he had left my quarters. 

I found myself wishing I knew how to use this mind thingy to feel him or send him a message or something. I stood and stretched and realized I had to pee…really bad. So I headed into the bathroom and did my business and then turned on the shower. 

When I came back out to pull on my uniform I had a message from Bones on my PADD to meet him down on the base for breakfast. I finished dressing, briefly wondered if I should find Spock and invite him, but guessed he was busy with something or he would have still been in my quarters, so I beamed down to the starbase without him. 

As was generally the case I was stopped several times on the way to the cafeteria so it was another twenty minutes before I made it there and I glanced around for Bones. And didn’t see him. Had he left already? I fished out my communicator. 

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Captain,” a cool female voice said next to me. A phaser was pressed into my ribs. 

 _Ah, fuck._

I turned to look at her and immediately recognized the Orion woman from the club last night. “What the hell.” 

She smiled. “Hello, Captain. You got away from me last night. But you won’t today.” 

“Excuse me?” 

Her look was cold. “There’s a high price on your head for capturing you.” 

“Capturing me? Who the fuck---” 

“Let’s just say the Klingons are very interested in having the famous Captain Kirk as their prisoner and I am going to be very rich.” 

Spock’s gonna kill me for this. I could already hear him lecturing me in my head for screwing up and not actually contacting Bones before I just sauntered down to the base like I had not a care in the world. Yeah, he was going to kick my ass and I deserved it. If I actually got out of this. 

“Come with me.” She pressed the phaser harder into my ribs. “Try anything and I’ll stun you and carry you out of here.” 

“Won’t that look conspicuous?” 

She shrugged. “I’ll say you’re drunk. Everyone knows you like to party. Move it” 

I had no choice to go with her and she directed me toward the opposite end of the starbase where another transporter was situated. 

I wondered if I could use this bond thingy to at least let Spock know what happened to me and what she planned to do to me. So I concentrated on relaying these thoughts. 

 _Spock, the Orion woman from last night. Tricked me. Thought she was Bones. Selling me to the Klingons. Taking me off the Starbase. And yes, I’m sorry I’m such an idiot._

We reached the other transporter room and she pushed at me to enter. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement but it didn’t register just what I was seeing until I turned as I entered the room and saw Spock walking up behind my captor looking as calm as could ever as his hand reached for her shoulder. 

I kept my face as blank as possible as she said, “All right, up on the pad, Captain.” 

And then Spock pinched her neck and she went down. 

I grinned. “I’m certainly glad to see you, Mr. Spock.” 

“And I you, Captain.” He arched an eyebrow. 

“But how did you get here so fast?” 

“I had been looking for you. You have a remarkable ability to wander from where you are supposed to be, Captain.” 

“Well, I—” 

“I saw this Orion female approach you in the cafeteria. Based on what I could feel in your mind I gathered she was abducting you and about to take you from the starbase. This transporter room was the most logical place for her to felicitate this.” 

I was impressed. But that was not new where Spock was concerned. I nodded. “Logical. But what if she had confounded logic and gone to the other transporter room?” 

“Mr. Scott and security were waiting there. And the starbase security had been alerted to watch for you should she have taken you somewhere else on the base.” 

“You amaze me as usual, Mr. Spock,” I said, completely aware I was looking at him with a totally besotted look on my face. 

He toed the unconscious Orion with his boot. “And you are quite correct, Captain. I have prepared a lecture for you. Although I do not intend to end your life.” 

I huffed out a breath. “Shit. You really can tell what I am thinking, can’t you?” 

“Yes.” 

I eyed him, filling my mind with thoughts of how much I really wanted him to fuck me. “And now?” 

“Fascinating.” 

**** 

We were back in my quarters over two hours later and Spock was still agitated. Whoever thought Vulcans had no emotions, well, I decided they hadn’t actually met one. My throat had firsthand knowledge of what a Vulcan was like when he felt anger. 

I sat behind my desk as he basically paced my quarters, hands clasped behind his back. I took a sip of the herbal tea he’d gotten from the replicator for me. It tasted flowery and I grimaced but took another sip. 

“Spock.” 

“Captain?” 

I sighed. “You know, the Orion is in the brig. You can clam down now.” 

“I am calm.” 

“Yeah? Well, maybe we can finally get down to business then.” 

“Business?” 

“Sex. You. Me.” I raised my eyebrows suggestively. 

He continued pacing. “Captain, your safety and well-being is of more importance than our engaging in sexual intercourse.” 

I rolled my eyes. “Do you know how unsexy that sounds? You really need help with sexual turn-on talk. Is that the way you talked with Uhura?” 

Spock stopped his pacing long enough to look at me. “Do you really wish to discuss my relationship with Nyota?’’ 

“Ah, good point. Definitely not.”

And the pacing began again. “I am not amused by your lack of concern for your own personal safety.” 

“I’m concerned. But she’s in the brig and I am in my quarters safe…with you. My Vulcan body guard.”

“Someone attempted to murder you and now someone else has attempted to abduct you. I am quite sure that they are connected.” 

I waved my hand. “I am sure they are, too. I let Starfleet know. For now there is nothing more we can do, Spock.” 

“If you and I had not had a bond the Orion female would have succeeded in removing you from the starbase and selling you to the Klingons.” 

“But we do have a bond.” 

He gave me a dark look. “Which is fortunate because otherwise your callous disregard for your own life and safety would have resulted in a very different outcome.” 

“Ah, here is the lecture.” 

“I am gratified to see that my concern is treated flippantly by you.” 

I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. “Spock. I am not trying to treat your concern lightly. I’m not. It’s just…right now we don’t have a mission. No one is bothering us. We’re not on duty. I have no reports to do. And I just found out you and I are sexually attracted to each other. Can’t you see why maybe my mind might be on something else?” 

“Captain, I have admitted my sexual desire for you, however, --” 

“Stop right there. Do we really have to be all, ‘Captain, Commander’ with each other? Now?” I stood and walked out from behind my desk and came to stand directly in front of him so he would have no choice but to cease pacing. “Can’t we just be Jim and Spock for once?” 

He stared at me, his dark eyes unreadable, as usual. 

I put my hands on his arms above the elbows and squeezed. “Do you know how much I want to touch you? How much I’ve always wanted to touch you? The first time I saw you when I turned around at that hearing and you stood there in that dark uniform staring at me with the coldest look I’ve ever seen and do you know what I thought?” 

“That you wished there would be an earthquake which would open up the floor underneath me and swallow me into the crevice,” he said but his voice had turned low and intimate, husky even. 

I grinned. “Well, yeah, that too. Sure, I felt anger and irritation and maybe even a little hatred, but I also thought…wow, who the fuck is that hot guy?” 

“I, too, found you alluring to look at.” 

That was a huge admission for Spock, I knew.  I moved my hands up to his shoulders and stepped even closer to him, our bodies flush against each other. 

“And every moment since then I’ve wanted to touch you. Everywhere. And I did touch you when I could, when you’d let me, sometimes when you wouldn’t, but it was never enough. And even now, when I really hope I’m finally going to touch you everywhere, it will never be enough.” 

Spock’s hand was shaking when he raised it to my face, his fingers grazing my jaw. “Jim.” 

 _wantneedhopedesirelonging_  

“Spock, kiss me.” 

And his lips were on mine, hot, possessive, yearning. I met his lips with a desperation of my own, thrusting my tongue inside his hot mouth. Looping my arms around his neck I pressed impossibly closer. I wanted to crawl up his body. My hand inched down between us and I covered the bulge in his pants. 

Spock gasped against my lips and suddenly he very definitely pushed me toward the bed.  His hands gripped the hem of my gold uniform shirt even as the backs of my legs hit the bed. I lifted my arms as he pulled it up to my neck and off my head. He started nibbling on my neck while tugging on my black undershirt. 

“Fuck, Spock. Are you marking me?” I asked as he nipped and sucked right near my Adam’s apple. 

His growling response sounded suspiciously like satisfaction. He got my undershirt off and then he pushed me flat on my back on the bed and covered my body with his. My hands were everywhere on him, touching, stroking, I wanted it all, and damn he had his clothes on and I wanted skin. _Now_. 

“Spock, clothes,” was all I managed to say before his lips were on mine again devouring me. His hands skated over my chest, his thumbs brushing my nipples. “Mmm.” 

And then he stood up and with a groan I reached for him. “Come on.” 

“You wished me to get undressed,” Spock reminded me.” 

“Yeah, yeah, hurry. Please.” And yes, I was reduced to begging. I would offer him anything just to have him inside me just then. 

He pulled off my boots and then attended to his own. Then he yanked off his blue uniform shirt and black undershirt together and tossed them across the room. I stared enraptured as his hands went to the zipper of his uniform pants. My mouth went dry as he lowered it with painful slowness. Painful to me anyway because my dick was rock hard and pressing against my briefs and pants. But I couldn’t look away or do anything but stare at him. 

Spock stood naked before me, his cock rising high and pointed toward me. It was long and thick and had a slightly green color to it to match his very slight green skin tone. 

I licked my lips and reached my arms out for him. But he leaned down to unfasten my pants and pull them off leaving me only in my black briefs. Spock knelt on the bed and crawled toward me. 

“We-we’ll need the-the lube,” I managed to gasp out just as he moved down to mouth my crotch through the briefs. “Fuck.” 

And then Spock was sucking me through it and I couldn’t help thinking and I thought he’d be all reluctant to make it with another guy? Apparently I had no clue what I was talking about. 

He pulled the briefs down and engulfed my cock in his mouth and I was pretty sure that keening cry came from my lips. I rose up to get closer to that amazing, sucking mouth, my fingers reaching down to tangle in his soft, glossy black hair. He only sucked until about the middle of the shaft but it was beyond enough. I’d wanted him for so long it was like my entire body, all my nerves were electrified. 

Then… 

 _loveadorationdesireneedwantworship_ flowed through my brain from Spock and I was lost. Pushing up, pulling his hair, moaning, coming into his mouth before I could stop myself, crying his name. 

Spock gave the tip a last lick and then came up to fuse our lips together. Barely able to catch my breath, I clung to him, desperately tangling my tongue with his. He grabbed my hand and slid two fingers over mine which I knew enough was the Vulcan kiss. My breath caught. 

“Spock, fuck me. Please. I want you inside me. Your body, my body, your mind, my mind.” 

His dark eyes widened as he looked into my eyes. “The lube you spoke of?” 

I pointed to a little chest of drawers next to the bed. “Top.” 

He scooted over to the edge of the bed and reached inside the drawer. As he returned to me, I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him forcefully. I skimmed my hands down his back, smoothing over firm muscles. 

We kissed for several minutes, just exploring each other’s mouths, skin, bodies. Spock drew back after a while, moving between my legs. 

“Do you-you know what to do?” I asked, breathlessly. In all my fantasies of having Spock with me, none of them compared to actually seeing him there, lifting my legs, holding a bottle of lube. 

“Yes.” 

“Really? You haven’t done this before have you?” And I felt a ridiculous spurt of jealousy over Spock ever being with another guy. Talk about a hypocrite. I didn’t like myself for the thoughts but they were real. 

“No, but I have…I have done research.” And his face looked a little flushed. 

“Research?” I closed my eyes as my cock perked up all over again at the idea of Spock doing _research_. “You mean porn?” _Oh God_. 

“Captain.” 

And I was lost. Damn, it was so fucking hot to have him call me captain just then I practically died. 

“Just…fuck me,” I said. “I swear I’m about to beg.” 

His slicked finger pushed inside me and I saw fucking stars…or maybe solar systems. When the second finger entered me, pushing past the tight ring of muscle, I knew I had to have him now. I couldn’t wait any longer. Not one more second. 

“Spock,” I begged. “Now. Now. Please.” 

His dark eyes seemed to glow as he rose above me and with his cock poised at my hole, entered me. Again and again he thrust deep inside me. 

I wanted more. I wanted him. 

“Meld with me,” I urged and he did not deny me, his fingers find the psi points of my face. 

The red warm light entered my mind and I saw a blue light and realized it was coming from me and the lights met and swirled around until they blended together. 

 _Spock? That’s us?_

_Yes, T’hy’la._

_I never want to leave. It feels…like I belong here._

_You do, Jim. We are one._

_I’ve never belonged anywhere._

_You do not have to be alone anymore. I am always with you. Here. And everywhere. By your side. And in you._

_That’s…I want this. So much._

_It is yours, T’hy’la. I am yours._

_Mine._  

And then I felt Spock pounding in me and I felt his excitement, his need. I clutched him tight and he was pouring into me, groaning my name. I came, too, again, all over our stomachs. 

We lay together holding each other and in the back of my mind our bond hummed happily, contented. 

Eventually I came around enough to say, “Wow.” 

He kissed the top of my head as I lay on his chest. “Am I to interpret that I pleased you?” 

“Oh yeah. Pleased indeed.” 

“I, too, am pleased.” 

I laughed. “You really do understatements well, Commander.” 

He didn’t respond for a moment and I wondered if he had gone to sleep until he spoke low and a little in awe. “It is as I thought it would be.” 

“What?” 

“Being with you. You are a fire in my blood. Now that we have had---” 

“Please don’t say intercourse.” 

He squeezed me. “Now that we have consummated our bond—” 

“That’s a little better,” I muttered. 

“Cease interrupting me.” 

“Hey, _I’m_ the captain.” 

“Cease interrupting me or I will beat you.” 

“Oh.” I licked my lips. “Um, yeah? Really?” 

Spock sighed. 

“ _Fine_.” 

“I will never let you go, James Kirk.” 

I rose up on my arms to meet his gaze. “I’m not asking to be let go.” 

“I am gratified.” 

“But, I have to say, that sounds down right possessive.” 

“Acknowledged. I am by nature possessive of what is mine.” 

“And I am yours?” 

He nodded. 

“I can accept that,” I said with a smile. My stomach picked that moment to growl. Figures some body part of mine would ruin the afterglow. 

“You are hungry.” 

“Obviously. I never had breakfast. Or lunch. All I had was a few sips of that flower tea you forced on me.” 

“What would you like to eat?” Spock asked. 

“A hamburger. Or two. Hell, I think I could eat a fucking cow right now.” 

Spock made a face. An actual expression of displeasure. 

“Hey, I’m not asking you to eat it.” 

“I am---” 

“Gratified. I know.” 

“I was going to say relieved.” 

I patted his face. “Come on, Commander. Come down to the base with me and have dinner.” 

“That would be agreeable, Captain.”


	15. Chapter 15

Spock glanced at me as we stood on the transporter pad. “I have marked you.” 

I grimaced. “I _know_. I saw it in the mirror.” I swear I saw his lips twitch in amusement. 

“I did not intend to embarrass you, Captain,” he said. 

I stared straight ahead. “Uh-huh.” 

“But I cannot say that I am completely dismayed by the mark.” 

“Possessive Vulcan,” I muttered. 

Spock straightened. “Energize.” 

Once we arrived on the base we made our way to the cafeteria, our strides matching each other as though we had planned it. We’d made a great team before but now we were so in sync it was kind of freaky. 

I was also glad to have him with me as we entered the cafeteria. I was _not_ afraid. Never. But…still having him with me made it easier to breathe. He lightly touched my arm and I smiled at him. 

“Nyota, Mr. Scott, and Dr. McCoy are here, Captain.” 

I followed his gaze to the table the three of them shared. “We’ll have to join them, huh? 

“We do not have to, but it is likely they will expect us to,” he said. 

I nodded. “Yeah, okay.” 

After I got two hamburgers and Spock got some non-descript vegetarian dish, we made our way to their table. They looked up and smiled at our approach. 

“Captain, Commander,” Scotty greeted us. 

“Hey, Scotty.” I automatically sat next to Bones who scooted over. Spock sat next to me, which I tried not to smile too widely over. “Bones. Uhura.” 

“Scotty was just telling us about your ordeal, Jim.” Bones nudged me with his shoulder. “I can’t believe you didn’t check with me before you went to meet her.” 

I ducked my head. “Yeah, well. Not one of my best moments. Wasn’t really thinking clearly.” 

“Obviously,” Bones said dryly. 

“It’s lucky Spock knew exactly how to find you,” Uhura said with a knowing look. 

I stared at her. Damn, Spock must have told her about their bond. Well, duh, Kirk, he probably had to explain it to her when they broke up. 

“Yeah,” Bones was saying, stabbing his fork into some Asian chicken dish. “How did he know?” 

I ignored the question and took a big bite of my hamburger instead. 

“Well?” Bones persisted. 

Spock shifted next to me. “The captain was able to get a message to me which indicated to me his whereabouts.” 

Bones opened his mouth to ask another question but Sulu and Chekov walked up at that moment with their trays. 

“Is there room for us?” Sulu asked. 

Scotty and Uhura scooted over and Sulu and Chekov smashed up against them. 

Bones was still staring at me and then his eyes widened and I was pretty sure I was turning red. “What—is that a hic—” 

“Scotty, will the ship be ready to leave tomorrow?” I asked quickly, not daring to look at Bones or Spock or Uhura or shit _anyone_. 

If Scotty noticed my urgency he didn’t react to it. “Oh, no worries there, Captain. She’ll be fit as a fiddle, don’t you worry.” 

“Good. Excellent. I gotta say I’m totally sick of cooling my jets here on the Starbase. I’m ready to get back to action.” 

Chekov frowned. “Get back to action? Weren’t you just abducted this morning?” 

“Oh that.” I shrugged nonchalantly. “That was no big deal.” 

“Seems like action follows you everywhere, Captain.” 

“Kind of does, doesn’t it?” I offered the ensign a smile. “Still I’ll be happy to be safely flying the Enterprise. Wish we could leave right now.” 

The conversation steered away from me and I was glad of it though I knew Bones wouldn’t let it drop. I wasn’t surprised, therefore, when the group broke up to return to the ship for early departure tomorrow when Bones asked me to stay behind a moment. 

Spock stood by the table and I knew even without reading his mind, which I still didn’t really have the hang of unless we were touching, he didn’t want to leave me there alone. Not that he was particularly worried about whatever Bones would say to me, but it was too soon after my aborted abduction. 

He locked his hands behind his back. “Captain, I will be at that table over there having tea with Nyota.” He tilted his head to a table near the entrance where he would be able to see our table. 

I smiled. “Thank you, Commander.” 

When he had walked away to join Uhura, I took my cup of coffee in my hands and sipped it, waiting for Bones to start blathering at me. 

“Let me have it,” I said after Bones hadn’t said a word for a minute or so. 

“Did you fuck that Orion woman?"

I rolled my eyes. “No. What kind of idiot do you take me for?” 

“That’s a hickey,” Bones said pointing at my throat. 

“No shit.” 

“Well, if not from her, then who?” 

I slurped my coffee. “I don’t really have to tell you, you know. I could tell you it’s none of your business.” 

Bones nodded. “Sure, you could. But I know you. You’ll tell me.” He gestured to Spock. “What’s with the hobgoblin?” 

“Bones—” 

“What? He keeps staring this way. Damn green-blooded—” 

“Shut up,” I snapped. “Don’t call him that.” 

Bones eyes widened as he stared at me. “You gotta be kidding me.” 

The muscle in my jaw ticked. “Yeah.” 

“You and…and Spock?” 

“Yes.” 

His mouth opened and closed. Open and closed again. “Well.” 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you speechless, Bones.” 

“If anyone can surprise me, Jim, it’s you.” He shook his head. “Is…he’s your first officer.” 

“He is.” 

“Do you think it’s wise?” 

“Hell, I don’t know. It’s just what it is. I’ve been crazy about him since he put his damn hands around my throat. And now we have this bond thing.” 

“A bond?” Bones frowned. “A Vulcan bond?” 

“Yep.” 

“That’s like a marriage, Jim!” 

“Apparently.” 

“When the hell did you get married? And how come I didn’t know about it? I’m your best friend.” 

I finished my coffee and pushed the mug aside. “It happened on Herhen during the shuttle-craft crash.” 

“And this is the first I’m hearing about it?” 

“It’s complicated, Bones. I’m just learning stuff myself. And Spock and I haven’t even really talked about everything and I don’t even know if I’m ready to deal with all this right now.” 

“Spock’s not just some random hookup, Jim. You’ve never had a relationship.” 

“I know.” I said with a frustrated sigh. “Can you just…give me some time?” 

Bones blew out a breath. “Fine.” His gaze went to Spock and then back to my neck. ”I can’t believe you got that from Spock.” 

I smiled. “Yeah. I think he’s sort of proud of it actually. It’s his mark or something.” 

“Ah, hell.” Bones looked pained. “Can we just forget this conversation now?” 

Clapping him on the shoulder, I laughed. “I’d really like that.” 

“I think we’d better go. He looks like he’s out of patience and is getting ready to come get you.” 

I glanced over where Spock sat with Uhura and sure enough Spock looked like he was about to rise from his chair. Bones and I stood and made our way to their table. 

Spock and Uhura stood. 

“Hey, ready to go back to the Enterprise?” 

Uhura rolled her eyes. “We’ve been ready. We were waiting for you, Captain.” She came close to me and leaned up to speak in my ear. “He’s not going to let you out of his sight. Just so you know. And Captain? If you hurt him, you’ll answer to me.” 

**** 

“What did Nyota say to you?” Spock asked me as he followed me into my quarters. 

“Hmm? Oh. Well.” I shrugged. 

“It made you uncomfortable.” 

“Not really.” 

He raised his eyebrow.  “Then why do you not speak of it?” 

“She just gave me the usual friendly advice.” 

“You are evading the question.” 

I pulled off my gold uniform tunic. “She told me not to hurt you.” 

“Hurt me? I am physically stronger than you.” 

My laugh came out more as a snort. “You don’t have to remind me. _Emotionally_ , Spock. Like don’t break his heart. That kind of thing.” 

He stared at me rather perplexed so I rolled my eyes and took off my black undershirt. “Are you staying with me?” I asked as casually as I could. Which I don’t think was very casual. 

“Affirmative.” 

“Then get naked.” 

“Are you not sore from earlier?” 

Okay, really, when had I ever imagined Spock would be asking me if I was too sore for sex? Never, that’s when. I shook my head to clear it. 

“No, hell no.” 

Spock nodded and pulled off his blue shirt. “I would like to discuss something prior to our activities.” 

I sat on the bed and yanked off my boots. “Right. Think you can talk naked?” 

“This is a serious subject, Jim.” 

I sighed. “Okay, really? All I’ve thought about since we left the Enterprise for dinner was when we could get back here to fuck some more and you wanna have a discussion? A _serious_ one?” 

He knelt before me and took my hands. “I wanted you to know of my regrets.” 

Okay, so yeah, apparently we were. The bond flared red hot and sparkling blue as soon as we touched though and that felt amazing. I blinked. Yeah, really amazing. 

“Regrets?” I tried to focus but really his brilliant mind touching mine was turning me on big time. 

“About our earlier interaction.” 

My heart plummeted and I stared at him. “Wait, what? You-you regret what we did today?” 

He shook his head rapidly. “No, T’hy’la. Never.”

“Then— 

“I am speaking of my actions on board the Enterprise when Vulcan was destroyed.” 

“Spock, no. I made you angry on purpose to emotionally compromise you. Aren’t we past that? ” 

“I tried to kill you,” he said his eyes intense. I could feel his remorse, his sorrow through our bond. “If I had succeeded and never known this—” 

“But you didn’t. I know why you did it and you know why I did what I did. All of that is in the past.” 

“I marooned you on Delta Vega.” 

I tried to focus my own mind so he would see through my thoughts and emotions that I had forgiven him. 

His eyes widened. “But you still dream about it.” 

“Yes,” I admitted. “I still don’t blame you. Not anymore. And I know that you can feel that. Can’t you?” 

“Yes.” He reached up to cup my cheek. “I am gratified.” 

I smiled. “Good.” 

His dark eyes became very soft. “You have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.” 

“God, Spock. Please. Do you always want me to beg? I want you. Now.” 

We were out of the rest of our clothes in no time and then he was crushing me into the bed, locking our hands together, and devouring my lips. 

I rose and rubbed myself against him, moaning into his mouth as his tongue thrust deep inside. Tugging my hand from his, I blindly reached into the drawer by my bed for the lube. My fingers closed over it just as Spock’s lips grazed over my jaw. 

“Unngg,” I gasped, pushing the lube into his free hand. “I can’t wait. _Please_.” 

And then Spock pulled back to slide slicked fingers into me, stretching me, preparing me and then he was inside me pounding hard and fast. I frantically fisted my cock. There was no mind meld, there wasn’t time for that, just a desperate joining of our bodies. 

His thrusts became faster, his cock brushing over my prostate over and over. My thumb grazed over the head of my cock as my balls became impossibly tight. 

“Jim,” Spock groaned, his cock pounding my ass. 

“Yes, Spock. _God_.” 

He stiffened above me, filling me with his cum, just as my dick erupted, cum splattering my fingers. 

Spock collapsed on me, his Vulcan weight heavy, but comforting. He was still inside me. I wrapped my arms around his middle and tried to pull him into me, as close as I could. I wanted to never let go. 

Bones had been right. I’d never had a relationship. Those were for other people. I just wanted to have fun. Or that’s what I had always believed about myself. The only _relationship_ I would ever have was with the Enterprise. But now I had this… _Spock_ …and yeah it was more than a little scary. Whatever this was I was feeling I wasn’t even sure I could articulate it. I just desperately wanted it. Wanted him. 

“You have me,” Spock whispered against my chest. 

“Damn telepath,” I muttered, but I couldn’t make my voice sound like anything but happy. 

 


	16. Chapter 16

“Captain on the bridge,” Chekov announced as Spock and I exited the turbolift onto the bridge together. 

I smiled my greeting, smile perhaps a little smug, I could admit, and Spock went off to his science station. I stepped down to my captain’s chair. _My_ captain’s chair. Okay maybe the smile was _a lot_ smug but I was feeling fucking fantastic. 

“Ready to blow this place, Mr. Sulu?” 

Sulu grinned. “Yes, sir.” 

“Mr. Chekov, plot a course for—” Oh, crap. I glanced to Spock. 

“Markus III, Captain,” Spock supplied for him. 

I smiled. “Plot a course for Markus III, Mr. Chekov.” 

“Aye, Captain.” 

“Warp four, Mr. Sulu.” 

“Warp four.” 

The turbolift opened behind him and in mere seconds Bones stood beside him as the ship pulled out of the Starbase dock. I glanced at him and smiled. “Come to watch our departure?” 

“Nope. Come to ask you why you ignored my message this morning.” 

I shrugged. “I figured it could wait.” 

“It’s important, Captain.” 

I managed not to flinch but only just. Bones using my rank was never a good sign. Getting up from my chair, I followed him into the turbolift. It closed behind us and he pushed the button to stop it from moving. 

“Okay, make it fast, Bones.” 

“This thing with you and Spock.” 

“This thing? You mean our bond.” 

“Yes. I need to know if it’s going to affect your ability to command.” 

“Seriously?” 

“It’s my job as chief medical officer, Jim. Is your relationship with Spock going to emotionally compromise you?” 

Bones looked very serious and honestly I was a little hurt by it. Hadn’t I proved I was a decent commander by this time? 

“Why would it?” I demanded. 

“People get crazy when they’re in love, Jim.” 

I blanched at the word _love_. Okay, maybe it was. Maybe. Was it? Sure, okay. Damn it, I did love Spock. Fuck. 

“Jim!” 

“Look, Bones, I’ve been in… I’ve had a thing for Spock since we faced Nero. I’m still able to send him on away missions. My feelings for Spock haven’t kept me from allowing him to do his job and they won’t. Do I like the chance he’ll be hurt? No. But I don’t like _anyone_ under my command being hurt. I also know it’s part of being in command and part of being in Starfleet. And as much as I _hate_ Spock being hurt because of something I had to order, I can’t and won’t change the way I have to do this.” 

Bones had been staring at me very intently the whole time I spoke, but finally he nodded. “All right. That’s good enough for me.” 

I relaxed. “Great.” 

“If it makes you feel any better, I have to have the same talk with Spock.” 

“Oh, he’s gonna love that. You want to record it for me so I can watch?” 

Bones laughed. “I don’t think so, Jim.” 

“Spoilsport. Anything else?” 

“Actually, yes. It’s time for you to come back to sickbay for another checkup. I want to do more tests on your super blood.” 

“It’s not _my_ super blood.” 

“Still having nightmares?” 

I winced. “I wish I could say no, but yeah. Maybe that’s normal for someone who was raised from the dead. I don’t know.”

“Me either. I’ve never brought anyone back before.” 

“All right, Bones, after this mission at Markus III is over I’ll come in and you can poke at me.” 

**** 

“Okay, Scotty, you have the con,” I said as I patted him on the shoulder. We were orbiting Markus III and I was, of course, leading the landing party. 

Spock followed me onto the turbolift. “Captain.” 

“You are about to tell me that I should stay behind.” 

“Regulations—” 

“Stuff regulations, Spock. You know very well I’m going. Besides, this is supposed to be a peaceful planet with an atmosphere very similar to Earth. All we’re doing here is taking them medical supplies.” 

He nodded, his stance straight and rigid. “Which is exactly why you are not required to beam down.” 

“Still going,” I said stubbornly. 

“You will, of course, do as you please.” 

“Of course.” 

I was glad to see, actually, that some things were not going to change. I didn’t think it would ever be possible for Spock and I not to argue about something. 

We walked to the transporter room where three security officers waited. I glanced at Spock. “Three?” 

“There have been recent threats to your life, Captain,” he said without inflection. 

I rolled my eyes. “Fine.” 

When I got on the transporter, I was quickly surrounded by Spock and the security guards. They formed a circle around me. We’d definitely have words about _that_ later. 

“Energize,” I said. 

The planet surface did indeed remind me of earth. A forest on Earth I’d seen in history documents since most of the Earth’s forests had long since been depleted.

I flipped open my communicator. “Are the medical supplies ready to be---?” 

A spear whizzed by my ear as Spock knocked me heavily to the ground removing his phaser as he did so. 

“Fuck, can’t anything be easy?” I growled, reaching for my own phaser as more spears came our direction, followed quickly by half a dozen men wearing what pretty much looked like loin cloths. 

The landing party was all crouched around me, protecting me, and I was getting pissed. I could fucking fight, damn it, I wasn’t some spoiled captain who needed protecting. I pushed a guard out of the way, a little too hard apparently, because he landed with a hard thud and rose from the ground, firing my phaser. 

“Captain,” Spock said, his voice sounding downright irritated. 

I did a flying kick at a native, kicking his weapon out of his hand, and then punching him in the stomach. He doubled over and I turned to the next one. This one I did a sort of karate chop to his neck and he crumbled. 

This was getting too easy, I thought a little too arrogantly, as I took out yet another attacker. Should have known better. Any time I got too cocky somehow I managed to get taken down a peg or two thousand. 

Out of the trees a Klingon appeared right at me. Before I could react he struck me in the head and I heard, “Jim!”, in the distance before there was nothing. 

**** 

I woke in a cell. It was tiny, with barely enough room for me to move around in. It smelled dank and damp and vaguely of blood and urine. 

My head throbbed with the biggest bitch of a headache I’d ever had. I put my hand to the back of my head and felt a lump and blood. Nausea overwhelmed me and I vomited next to myself. 

A very large, very ugly Klingon appeared outside my cell. He spoke in Federation Standard. “You’re awake.” 

“Obviously.” 

He grinned. “My commander will be delighted to hear it. He wants you awake during the torture.” 

“You can’t just abduct a Starfleet officer.” 

“Oh, we can. We did,” he said smugly. “And not just any but the famous James T. Kirk. You are quite the prize.” He unlocked the cell door and came into the cell. 

“Starfleet—” 

He kicked me in the stomach. “Shut up, Kirk.” He grabbed my hair and pulled me from the floor even as I held my burning stomach. “You’re going to regret being born.” 

I was dragged while being kicked, punched and pulled down a long hallway. I vomited again, but the Klingon didn’t let up on his abuse. Finally be brought me into a room with double metal doors and he threw me to the ground. 

My stomach rolled and I looked up to see a massive Klingon flanked by two slightly smaller Klingons glaring down at me. 

“Are you sure this worm is Captain James T. Kirk?” the massive Klingon yelled. 

“Yes, Commander,” the man who’d brought me said from behind me. He kicked me in the back and excruciating pain stole my breath. 

The commander glared down at me. “Puny human. I bet you are hoping your ship will save you. But they will not. They will never find you. Alive.” 

He knelt beside me and snapped my head back to meet his gaze. “We killed your landing party.” 

My already queasy stomach dropped and my heart felt like it shattered. “No.” 

He smiled. “Oh, yes. We had particular pleasure killing the Vulcan half-breed. We are going to kill you too, Captain Kirk. But not yet. First I will make you cry.” 

 


	17. Chapter 17

I was in my cell in a fetal position staring at my own vomit and blood.  I had a concussion, a bad one if I went by my headache and blurred vision, broken ribs, possibly a punctured lung going by the inability to breathe without excruciating pain, and probably internal injuries. Blood caked by my nose, an open knife wound across my left cheek. I was a mess. Dying in my own blood and vomit. 

I wanted to die. 

If the Klingon commander had been telling the truth, which who the fuck knew, and Spock was dead, I didn’t want to know what life was without him. Before I’d met him, life had sucked. It would suck worse now. 

And if Spock was still alive and it was just lies to break me, well, maybe it was better just to die anyway. I didn’t want anyone, especially Spock, risking their life to save me. This was my responsibility and if anyone should be tortured and murdered by the Klingons, it should be me and no one else under my command. 

Wouldn’t I know if Spock were dead? Wouldn’t the bond thingy tell me? I had no clue actually. I still hardly knew anything about our bond. I knew I couldn’t feel him or know what he was thinking just then but it could be the distance or Spock shielding or…I did not want to think about all the reasons. Spock not alive and in my universe did not compute.

They wanted me to tell them Starfleet secrets, but I had refused. I wouldn’t tell them anything as they beat me over and over and then hooked me up to this machine that sent jolts of electricity through my limbs. I still wouldn’t talk. 

I remember talking to Pike about some sort of worm creature Nero had stuck inside him to get _him_ to talk on the Narada. I could only hope the Klingons didn’t have any of those. If they did, I hoped I would be long dead before they got to that point. 

I didn’t even know how long I’d been in this cell waiting for them to come back to kill me. Hours, days, months. It didn’t matter. All I could think was please Spock be alive and please don’t come for me. 

Footsteps approached and I knew I was in for another bout of torture. Perhaps they’d kill me this time. Another big ugly Klingon grabbed me by the soiled and bloodied shirt collar and dragged me from the cell to the commander’s torture chamber. 

He thrust me at the commander who grabbed me around the neck and held me off the ground, feet dangling. “Are you ready to talk, Captain?” 

“Fuck you.” 

He squeezed hard, his fingers bruising my already abused neck. “I have gone easy on you, Kirk. Perhaps that was a mistake.” 

His fingers loosed enough to allow me to speak. My voice was raw and raspy. “If this is the part where you tell me my death can be slow and easy or long and painful let me save you the trouble? Fuck you. Just fucking kill me already and get it over with you Klingon scum.” 

The commander lifted me higher. “Do you think I play games, Kirk? I will rip open your stomach and pull your intestines out with my bare hands. I will stick you with hundreds of daggers dipped in poison that will liquefy your innards. I will burn your skin with hot brands while you beg for mercy.” 

“Okay,” I said, licking my lips. “Okay, you win. Come closer.” He lowered me down until my face was even with his. “Fuck you.” I spit blood in his face. 

He roared his rage and shook me hard, my teeth ratting and my brain seeming to move within my skull. And then somewhere in the room there was a loud explosion and a bright light and he dropped me into a heap on the ground. He landed heavily on me as he fell. 

“Oomph,” I gasped. 

More explosions and bright lights and what sounded like phaser blasts. I had no idea what was going on but I closed my eyes and hoped my death would come quickly. 

The body of the commander shifted off me and I blinked my eyes open. All I saw was a blur of the ceiling. 

“Commander! I’ve found him. I’ve found Captain Kirk,” Sulu shouted. Or at least it sounded like Sulu. “He’s--” and here his voice broke “—he’s alive.” 

Sulu’s blurry face hovered over me and I tried to smile but I think I split my lip further. And then Sulu was gone and someone pulled me into their arms. They held me gently as though I wasn’t real or I might break. 

I knew who it was even before the blurry image of Spock leaned over me to kiss my forehead. “Hey.” 

 _horrorreliefragegriefloveadorationfear_

Yes, the bond was here. Of course it was. Spock was here, holding me. 

“Jim,” he said hoarsely. He sounded like he might be very close to losing it. I didn’t want to see his tears. I hated that he cried over me. 

“You’re here. You’re not dead.” 

“No, I am not.”

I tried to touch his face with my hand, but I think I ended up cupping his shoulder instead. “They said…they told me you were.” 

“Do not speak, Jim. It is all right. We will have you on the ship to Dr. McCoy in a moment. Save your strength.” 

I was suddenly all choked up, but I had to get one more thing out. “You came for me.” 

“I will always come for you,” he said gently. “I told you, James Kirk, I will never let you go.” 

**** 

Bright lights directly overhead had me reflexively closing my eyes. The bright light dimmed a bit, so I carefully peered out a half-open eyelid. 

“Is that better?” 

 _Bones_! 

“Yes,” I said but it came out like a croak. 

“Hold on.” And then a hard plastic straw was stuck in my mouth and I took a large swallow of water. 

“Thanks.” 

The bio bed was angled so I was sitting up and then there was Bones smiling at me behind very tired looking eyes. 

“So, we meet again," he said. 

“We do have to stop meeting like this. I didn’t die this time, did I?” 

He shook his head. “No, but it was close. I’m not sure you would have survived if you didn’t have that super blood in you, Jim. You’re injuries were severe.” Bones ducked his chin for a minute than looked up, eyes serious and a little wet looking. “If they hadn’t rescued you when they did, you would have died. You didn’t have long.” 

I nodded. “Yeah. I kind of knew I was going. How long have I been out of it?” 

“Week and a half. Mostly induced. Everyone’s been here to see you. Most more than once. And that first officer of yours every few hours, even if he can’t stay long.” 

 _Spock_. I was so fucking happy he was _not_ dead. 

“How long do I have to stay here?” I asked, getting right down to business. “I hate it here.” 

“Hey—” 

“Bones, I love you, but I hate your sickbay.” 

“Stupid kid,” he grumbled. “Couple of more weeks. And no arguing. You’re lucky you’re alive to give me shit. And once you’re out of here two more weeks on leave. And shut up. I mean it.” 

I sighed. “Fortunately I have a very competent first officer.” 

“Thank you, Captain. I am gratified to hear you think so,” Spock spoke from the doorway. 

“Spock!” I grinned like an idiot. 

“And gratified to see that you have regained consciousness.” He approached my bed on the opposite of Bones. He strokes two fingers over the back of my hand. 

Bones rolled his eyes. “I think I’ll go check on something while you two make eyes at each other.” 

I barely noticed him leave since I had been staring at Spock, searching his features, memorizing them. 

“You called to me.” 

“Did I?” 

He nodded. “A few minutes ago. That is why I suspected you must have awakened.” 

“Ah. I did think about you. Is that it?” 

“Yes. How are you feeling, Jim?” 

“Like I was run over by twenty or thirty Klingons.” I instantly regretted my joke when I felt his distress. “Spock, I am all right.” 

“It was difficult when they captured you in front of me,” he said quietly. 

“I know…I’m sorry.” I winced. “I know I keep saying that. But, I didn’t mean for any of that to happen.”

“I am aware of that. It was still difficult. I do not like feeling out of control. It happened before when you sacrificed yourself for the ship and now again.” He threaded his fingers with mine. “I wish for you to take your safety more seriously from now on.” 

I blew out a breath. “I don’t mean to hurt you.” 

Spock nodded. “But you do with your careless disregard for the most important person to me. I do not wish to live without you, Jim.” 

“I don’t want to live without you either.” A lump formed in my throat. “I’ll-I’ll be more careful. And listen to you more. At least try to.” 

“I must return to the bridge, but I will come to see you again later.” 

I tugged him back as he went to remove his hand. “Wait. Status report.” 

“Jim.” 

“Spock. I want to know. About-the-the Klingons. How did you find me?” 

He was reluctant I knew. Probably thought I was still too weak to handle it but hell, I’d been through worse. Or maybe not. 

“I’m not made of glass, come on. Don’t make me get all captainy on you.” 

“The Klingon Empire has declared those that captured you to be of a rogue clan that they have no affiliation with.” 

“Of course.” 

“And in fact, Starfleet gained their cooperation in our recovery of you.” 

“Say what?” 

“They were the ones that volunteered the location where you were being held captive. They even provided Starfleet information on how to infiltrate their compound,“ Spock said. 

“Fuck. Never would have guessed that.” 

He nodded. “Starfleet still has no trust or love for the Klingons.” 

“They are up to something, that’s for sure.” 

Spock bent down and kissed me. It was all too brief. “And now, T’hy’la, you must rest. I will return.” 

I sighed, wishing he could stay, but knowing _someone_ had to run my ship. 

**** 

I sat on the edge of the bio bed, impatiently waiting for Bones. _Finally_ after an eternity I would be released. 

Bones came in, carrying a PADD. “All right, that’s everything for now, Jim. I’ll be by to check on you later.” 

“Really? Don’t you think that’s a little paranoid?” 

He glared at me. “My best friend almost died _again_. Humor me.” 

I huffed. “Fine. Can I go now?” 

“Only semi-solid foods for two more days.” 

“I know, you already told Spock, too.” 

“Should have kept you here for those days,” Bones mumbled. 

“Trust me. Spock will be more of a dictator than you. I’ll be fine.” 

Bones studied his PADD. “I’m going to do more tests of your blood when you’re better, too.” 

“Okay.” 

“Still having nightmares?” 

“Didn’t you ask me that already?” 

“That was before the Klingons.” 

I sighed. “A few. Not as many. And most are about _other_ people dying now instead of me. Not like before.” 

“We’re going to have you do another psychiatric exam, too. Maybe have you talk to someone.” 

“Is that necessary? I mean I died, don’t you think it’s normal to have bad dreams under those circumstances?” 

“What’s normal after dying?” he asked pointedly. “You’re having it. And from now on—”

“I know. Tell you when I’m exhausted. Tell you when I have bad dreams. Tell you when I’m not hungry or eating. Tell you when I’m feeling homicidal.” I smiled. “I get it, Bones. I do.” 

He nodded. “You can go.” 

“One more thing.” 

“What?” 

I hugged him. “Thanks for saving me. Again.” 

He seemed startled for a moment, but then he hugged me back. “Try not to end up in here again, okay?” 

“Deal.” 

When I walked out of sickbay I wasn’t really surprised to see Spock waiting for me. I smiled and took his arm. “Are you escorting me to the brig, Commander?” 

“Just your quarters, Captain. Nothing as dramatic as the brig. Unless you have done something I am unaware of.” He arched an eyebrow at me. 

“Nope. I am totally innocent of all charges.” I glanced at him as we walked toward the turbolift. “I am capable of making my own way to my quarters. Is this a conspiracy between you and Bones to make sure I don’t head for the bridge?” 

“Me conspire with Dr. McCoy? Really, Captain.” 

I laughed. “Okay, it does sound farfetched.” 

We exited the turbolift and made down our way to my quarters and when I went to put in my code, the doors opened and half the bridge crew came rushing out yelling “Welcome back”, “Glad to have you back, and “Captain.” 

I was hugged, clapped on the back and Captained and “sir’d” more times than I could count. I even let Uhura hug me. 

After about ten minutes, though, Commander Spock told them all to go back to duty that the captain was tired. And yeah, I was. 

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I smiled as Spock brought me the nasty herbal tea he liked so much from the replicator. “That was awesome. Thank you.” 

“They were all very sincere. They missed you a lot. And they were all upset when you were abducted.” He sat next to me and put his arm around me. “You have messages from the Ambassador, Starfleet, Admiral Womack, and several others as well. And my father.” 

I almost choked on the sip of tea I was about to take. “Wait. What? That last one?” 

Spock stared at me solemnly. “We are bonded, Jim. He will want to get to know my bondmate.” 

“You told him?” 

He tilted his head. “Affirmative. Why would I keep something so important from him? He was gratified to find out I had found a suitable bondmate.” 

I smiled. “Suitable, huh? Was that from you or him?” 

“I believe they were his words.” 

“Wow. A father-in-law and everything.” I shook my head. “Weird.” 

“You need to rest now.” 

“Yeah, I’m tired. Are you going back to the bridge?” I wanted him to stay with me, at least work in my quarters, because I didn’t want to be alone. Not yet. But I didn’t ask. 

“No. I will stay here and work at your desk. But you are wrong.” 

“Hmm?” 

His lips curved just a little. “You did ask.” 

“Oh. Yeah. The bond. Still getting used to that whole thing.” 

“You don’t need to be afraid to be alone.” 

I bit my lip. “I’m not afraid. Exactly.” 

“Jim.” 

“I’m not. I’m a starship captain, Spock. I don’t get afraid.” 

He rubbed my lips with his thumb. “Everyone is afraid at some time, Jim.” 

I looked at him dubiously. “Even you?” 

“I was afraid when you were taken from me,” he said very softly. 

My eyes stung with sudden tears. “Spock.” 

He pulled me close. “Shh. We are here together, T’hy’la as we should be. There is nothing for either of us to fear now.” 

I leaned against him and sighed. “I love you. I know you must know that.” 

“I do, but it is nice to hear it. And you must know I love you.” 

Burying my face in his neck, I nodded. “Yeah. But it _is_ nice to hear.” 

And I felt like I could face anything as long as Spock was by my side. Anything in space, anything in life, together…always. 


End file.
